When will I learn!?!?!

Comfort eating never actually comforts! Instead of just being depressed and stressed I am: depressed, stressed and FAT! When will I learn!?!?!?

I'm still here...

Barely though. The last couple weeks have flown by in a flash and I won't bore you with the details but they have been less than pleasant. In fact right now I am supposed to be in the Key's with my family celebrating my little sister's 13th birthday but circumstances intervened. Grrrr!

Since we last spoke I have again lost one more pound. One. That's it.

I know, what you all want to say..."At least you are going down and not up" "A pound is a pound" ect. ect. ect.

I try to say it to myself but its truly very hard. I am not giving up no matter what but these are the thoughts that plague me:
If it is taking me up to two weeks to lose 1 pound now, when I am working my butt off and eating like a champion, while I am 5'7'' and still over 300 pounds, while I am very focused and have not faltered...what kind of hell is ahead of me???

Typically weight loss is supposed to be faster at first, then as you lose you have to get more strict and more serious to lose BUT I am giving it my all now. *Sigh*

Someone said to me recently, why does it matter how long it takes you as long as you are losing?

That's easy to say but when you can't even see results on a scale every week it is super hard to stay positive. Also, at this rate I it will take me about 4 years to get down to the weight I need to be for them to even THINK helping me get pregnant. I will still be about 50 pounds overweight at that point.

I want to keep believing that my body is going to kick into gear if I keep pushing on through.

Ethan David is Here!

Sorry I have been out of the loop, I have not fallen off the wagon!! In fact I have S-L-O-W-L-Y lost one more pound.

However my best friend just had her baby and I spent the last 8 days up north with her and her new beautiful boy Ethan David. I have to say I am in love. I will update more later this weekend...I am exhausted!

Little by little

Well, I have lost 1.5 more pounds in the last 11 days. Its something. Its very slow but I am encouraged by anything at this point.

I have noticed something great has happened. I am and always have been a pretty healthy eater. I know what you may be thinking "No way in hell a 300+ pound woman is a healthy eater!" But newsflash: Its true! I love healthy food. My main meals every day consist of fruits, veggies, lean meat, beans, and grains. My real problem was sugar. I craved it and usually gave into the cravings at night time. I wanted chocolate, cookies, ice cream....ect.

Since I have started the Low GI diet my cravings have gone away. I mean completely. I have been watching people eat donuts & cake all week without the urge to eat them at all. Its amazing.

I've lost some weight, but I am not happy.

I've lost 6 pounds in the last 3 weeks but I am not too happy about it. I lost it all in the first 3 days of my new medications and low GI/ low calorie diet so I know it wasn't all fat, it was water weight. Why have I been so good for 3 weeks and for the last two weeks lost nothing? I am not giving up, I am giving it a 3 month go before I decide it isn't working, but if I don't lose some more weight soon I am really going to have trouble staying positive. I don't even know how it is humanly possible for a 300+ pound woman to eat 1600-1800 calories a day of healthy food and do the elliptical machine everyday and not lose an ounce for 2 full weeks. Ugh! I will keep you posted.

So here it goes...

I met with the endocrinologist on Monday. Some of the test results were good and some were scary. It was reconfirmed I have the endometerial hyperplasia and I also have PCOS. My hormone levels were completely wacked and my insulin was borderline. They want me to go on some meds. He strongly recommended since I was determined to try and loss weight with out surgery that I follow a diet that consists of foods that are low on the glycemic index. So, I printed out a list and am trying to eat the foods that are low mostly. Some that are medium and none of the high foods. It would be great if this could help me. I have been stuck for so long. I am giving it another go.

Results

As of now nothing is really happening. I am pretty much waiting for my results. The endocrinologist gave me a new biopsy and took 18 vials of blood. They are testing my adrenals, pituitary gland, and hormone levels. I did a glucose test, a urine test, a saliva test and more, what fun!

In the end the Doctor will know more about my body than I do.

I get my results back on the 12th and I am very anxious about it. Hopeful knowing will help me form a plan of action.

A new low...

So, I am shopping at old navy with my sister in law for a cover up and sandals and this 3 year old little girl comes up to me and says: "You're fat" and walks away.

I was having a good day, I just found a bath suit that didn't make me want to commit suicide when I looked at myself in it and this little girl takes it all away in an instant.

It made me think about why I was so upset. The little girl was technically correct. I am fat. But, when I hear this I don't hear, you are fat, I hear: you are a fat ugly worthless piece of crap.

I need psychological help.

A sign?

For the 5th time, a doctor has told me losing weight on my own is next to impossible and that I should have gastric bypass. *sigh*

News

Well the good news is that I have kept all the weight off that I lost while I was sick. The bad news is I haven't lost any more weight no matter how hard I tried. I am very frustrated.

Tonight was the season finale of the biggest loser. I was supposed to be on this season. The bad news is I felt a twinge of bitterness and jealousy. The good news is a woman finally won! Go Ali! You look hot!!!

More news: I don't have cancer. The bad news: I have endometerial hyperplasia. I have an increased risk of endometerial cancer. I have to keep going back for biopsies. I have an appointment with an endocrinologist. I hope they can help. I feel like my female parts have betrayed me in so many ways. Why can't they do what they are supposed to do?