A new low...

So, I am shopping at old navy with my sister in law for a cover up and sandals and this 3 year old little girl comes up to me and says: "You're fat" and walks away.

I was having a good day, I just found a bath suit that didn't make me want to commit suicide when I looked at myself in it and this little girl takes it all away in an instant.

It made me think about why I was so upset. The little girl was technically correct. I am fat. But, when I hear this I don't hear, you are fat, I hear: you are a fat ugly worthless piece of crap.

I need psychological help.

A sign?

For the 5th time, a doctor has told me losing weight on my own is next to impossible and that I should have gastric bypass. *sigh*

News

Well the good news is that I have kept all the weight off that I lost while I was sick. The bad news is I haven't lost any more weight no matter how hard I tried. I am very frustrated.

Tonight was the season finale of the biggest loser. I was supposed to be on this season. The bad news is I felt a twinge of bitterness and jealousy. The good news is a woman finally won! Go Ali! You look hot!!!

More news: I don't have cancer. The bad news: I have endometerial hyperplasia. I have an increased risk of endometerial cancer. I have to keep going back for biopsies. I have an appointment with an endocrinologist. I hope they can help. I feel like my female parts have betrayed me in so many ways. Why can't they do what they are supposed to do?

A Stomach Bug...a Blessing in disguise?

March has been a pretty rough month and to top it all off I caught a horrible stomach bug on Thursday that lasted about 48 hours. It was one of the worst illnesses I have had in quite sometime and don't wish this bug on anyone. However when I hopped on the scale on Saturday morning and saw I was 10 pounds lighter I thought it may have been a blessing in disguise. Of course I knew that I had mainly lost fluids (Not eating for two days helped too!) but psychologically it still made me feel good. (Insane, I know) Well, after I got hydrated today I still weighted about 8 pounds lighter. I think this is the perfect head start I needed. I feel recharged and have planned out a week of healthy foods and exercise. I don't welcome being sick, but hey, whatever it takes to get me back in the game.

Girls Weekend in Atlanta

I got to spend some time last weekend with my best friends in Atlanta. It was fun and lifted my spirits. It was especially wonderful to see my friend Faith who is 7 months pregnant. I got to feel the baby move and she looked so adorable.

The Scare

Well, I was being private about this at first but I think I am ready to share now. I got some bad news at the Doctor last month and it threw me into a deep depression. I just felt like I wasn't getting any where with my weight loss, I wasn't getting anywhere with my fertility, and now I hear news that I have another issue to battle. It seems the lining of my uterus is doesn't look quite right and they are concerned I have cancer or pre-cancer. They believe that this stems from my hormonal imbalances. I have been unable to stop thinking about this. I have allowed it to consume me. I have my biopsy next week and am praying that I will get good news. Even if I don't have cancer now, if they can't get my hormones into balance I will always have an increased risk of all female cancers. One of the ways to get my hormones in balance is to loss weight because the extra fat means extra estrogen. Although the hormone imbalance also makes it harder to lose weight. I have unfortunately turned to food way too many times in the last month for comfort. I have gained 3 pounds in the last 4 weeks.

Would you rather???

My girlfriends and I were playing a game called would you rather. There are crazy questions, gross questions, thought provoking questions. All in all its a fun game. Its always interesting to hear how people answer the questions. Some example questions:

Would you rather have a head twice your regular size or half your regular size?

Would you rather have a job you love but never make more than 40k a year or a job you hate but make 250k a year.

So while we are playing the game the question comes up:
Would you rather lose feeling in your right hand or loss the sense of taste?

All my friends immediately answered that they would rather lose feeling in their right hand. They went on and on about the things they would never be able to taste again and thought about how horrible it would be.

I felt completely different. Please take my sense of taste. Then I would eat only for nutrition instead of wanting to indulge my taste buds. My weight, my health, my life would be enhanced I feel.

What would you rather?

Shame

In honor of the horrid last 6 or so weeks I have had I am asking you all what your most shameful food infatuations are?

Mine?

Gushers fruit snacks, mostly strawberry splash. They have no nutritional value and I love them and have eaten them by the box... How embarrassing.

What about you guys?

I know, I'm still gone...

Things are crazy and there is so much to blog about, I promise to be back soon.

I've been a bad bad girl...

Update coming soon, sorry for the very long lapse in communication...I'll be back before the end of the month.