Auto Pilot

I have been super busy, friends in town, lots of projects at work, but guess what? I am doing well. I think I am finally back on auto pilot. I am making good choices. I have a lost a few pounds. I feel in control again. I actually feel amazing.

I still have not gotten back to counting calories, and I know that is why I haven't lost more weight, but its one step at a time, and I think I have taken a giant step foward.

Birthday

Today is my 29th birthday. I used to love my birthday. Now I hate it. It reminds me of what I was supposed to accomplish by now but haven't. It reminds me that my dream of being a mother before 30 is never going to happen.

However, I can't change the past, I can only change the future. I must move forward.

Sanibel Island Family Vacation

Commitments and Couches

My first two days back on track have been surprisingly great. I feel better when I am eating healthy foods. (Why do I ever stop???) I am drinking more water, and have re-hydrated. I am back to taking my supplements. I feel like I am back in control. I love knowing what I am going to eat next instead of wondering which emotional craving I will give into next. It is empowering. I don't think they have wi-fi in the hotel we will be in the rest of the week, so you may not hear from me until next week.

Upsetting side note: I was asked by my father today not to sit on their new couch because he thought I would break it seeing as it was not made for someone like me. OUCH!

I wasn't even gonna write about it but I am all about being authentic and sharing the true life of a fat girl. There you go folks!

Steps

I had a party on Friday night at my home. I gathered up all the food and drinks in the house that were not beneficial to getting back on plan. We had a great time and my house if free of that bad snack food that had snuck in over the last few months.

Yesterday, I made a menu plan for next week. I am off to the store today to buy mostly fresh fruits, fresh veggies, lean meats, chicken and fish. I have everything planned out, even my two snacks a day. Next week I will focus on eating healthy but I will not count calories. When I try to change everything at once, I am usually overwhelmed and often fail. If I know during my transition we I have healthy food to eat, but can eat however much I want it helps me stay on track. Next week I will go back to measuring portions and counting calories. I will start out eating 2000 calories a day and will drop it every week by 100 calories until I get to 1600.

As for exercise, I am appalled by the fact I have not stepped foot on my bike or elliptical machine for 6 weeks. I am blessed to have these tools at my disposal and should never let a week go by without using them. My new rule for myself. If I don't exercise in a day, I can't watch TV. I often say I am too tired or too busy for exercise. However, I find a way to watch at least one to two hours of TV everyday. So, I can choose not to exercise if I don't want to, but that means no TV for the day. I have a feeling I will be squeezing at least 30 mins into my schedule again.

I am headed over to Sanibel Island Tuesday with my parents and little sister. we are renting a condo with a kitchen so it should be pretty easy to eat well. We are bringing our bikes with us and every day will include many walks on the beach. I'll be back on the 17th. Have fun wrapping up your summer too!

Wake up call...how did I forget?

My husband is a firefighter/paramedic here in south Florida. He is a hero in my book. He does what I could never do. Emergency situations scare the heck out of me but he snaps to action to save as many people as possible. Every once in a while he comes home with a story or two that really affects him. Its hard to see him in pain because he lost a patient or didn't get the fire out in time.
He came home a couple days ago and I could tell it was a rough shift. When I asked about it I was surprised to see tears in his eyes. He was called to a home where a woman collapsed. When he got there he found a hysterical mother scared for her daughter. He soon found her daughter was having a heart attack. On the way to the hospital she died. There was nothing they could do. Its sad when you lose ANY patient but this one hit close to home for him. She was only 33, beautiful, successful, and morbidly obese. She had so much life left to live but her heart couldn't take it anymore. My husband is deathly afraid this could happen to me.
Once my lifestyle changes fell apart in January of this year I kinda just fell off the wagon again. I struggled to get back up but couldn't find the motivation. I thought to myself: I am fat, I will never be thin and pretty, it is just not my lot in life. Oh well, at least I have a great life, husband and family. I will just stay fat.
When did I forget to should have little to do with being thin and pretty. In all reality this IS a matter of life and death. What is the point in having a great life if you have it cut short due to something you CAN change?

Our 5th Anniversary Trip to New Hampshire and Maine

New Lifetime Show: Drop Dead Diva...Should I be offended??!?

I am currently watching the pilot episode of a new show on lifetime television called Drop Dead Diva. My mom told me I might be interested in it, I had no idea what is was about. I am not sure what to think about it yet. However the stero typing is sooo annoying. The premise of the show is that a size 2 tall, shallow, blonde model gets killed and gets sent back to earth but has to use a the body of someone who is still alive but dying. She goes in the body of a chunky, shorter, smart, brunette. When she sees she is now fat she asks: "You sent me to hell?????!!!!!!"

WOW.

And to be fair, why does the attractive skinny blonde have to be stupid?

There was lots and lots more.

If you catch the show. Let me know what your thoughts are...

To blog or not to blog...

Okay, lets get to the reasons I am considering giving up on blogging...

I started to think about why I started this blog in the first place. I wanted to have accountability on my journey, I wanted to encourage others and relate to them along the way, and I wanted to keep a record of my journey.

So far there seems like there has been no journey. In the last 2.5 years I have gained and lost the same 40 pounds over and over again. It hasn't been beneficial for me or my blogger friends. I am just floundering.

In the last six months I have gained weight yet again. As I gear up to get my life back on track for the 453rd time I am embarrassed to yet again share this on my blog. I am truly starting to wonder if it can be done. I have to believe it can or there is no point in going on.

I am just thinking that this blog is not doing what it was designed to do, which is to help me and help others. Since this is the case, should I keep going in hopes it all will turn around, or should I stop? I am not sure at this point. We'll see.

Kitchen before picture! It was awful!

Stained laminate cream counter tops and back splash. All of our appliances were mismatched. Fake wood particle board cabinets that were falling apart. Ugly border and ceiling fan. Peel and stick "tile". Yuck! After pictures coming so soon!

Everything has taken longer than expected and we are actually still finishing up the new back splash today. Cooking healthy is even more fun when you have a kitchen you love to be in and that actually works properly!

More of the same...

My new kitchen looks awesome, we are finishing the back splash this weekend. I know I promised before and after pictures and I will try and get them as soon as possible. To be honest I am pondering whether or not to keep blogging or not. I will get into that more in my next post. I just wanted to give a quick update so no one thought I was dead.

I'm home...

I just got back from Washington DC. I was visiting my best friend and her son who just turned 1 years old. I love that little guy. We had a great time. Now its time to get back in the game.

Well, its something...

My kitchen remodel is finally done. I still haven't been able to use it because I left for washington dc on thursday to visit my best friend and celebrate her little boys 1st birthday. Time flies. I will be back in a week. I have totally gained weight. Peace.

Breaking the Silence...

Sorry it has been silent for over a month. Honestly I took some time off to focus on myself. I didn't write, I didn't check the blog, I didn't weigh myself, and took a little inventory of my life. It was a great exercise as I really am a blessed person. I may not be at the weight I want to be, and I may not be able to get pregnant. However, once I started looking at everything I do have, I felt silly for letting myself get so down. The biggest blessing in my life is my husband. I don't want to be so focused on my weight and having a baby that I miss out on life with him. He supports me no matter what, he is the greatest man I have ever known and I love being with him. We spent a lot of time together over the last month and even went on a mini vacation. We are also in the middle of a kitchen remodeling project. Our kitchen was right out of 1979 when our home was built and it is slowly becoming a wonderful up to date kitchen. We should be done with it by the end of the month. We will post some pictures. More soon...I just wanted to say hello to my blogger friends! Life is sunnier over on my side of the world. I hope you are all doing well too!

My SIL's 80's themed Birthday Party

When it rains it pours, parties galore over here in my life. A few shots from the party. I rocked it rainbow bright style.

In other news, I am still depressed and having a hard time climbing out of the hole I am in. I gained one pound. I am now 315. Yippee.

Truth

Well, I am officially a statistic. They say Obesity and depression are linked. It is hard to admit but I am depressed. I usually try to be up-beat but I just can’t do it anymore. I know being depressed doesn’t help my situation but I can’t help what I feel. As I move closer and closer to 30 without any huge weight loss success, without any relief from my PCOS symptoms, and without being able to start a family, I just feel trapped. I am actually too depressed to even write anymore today…

I didn’t gain any weight though. I am still 314.

A few photos from my mom's 70's themed 50th b-day bash!!

Neglect

I am neglecting myself, I know I am. I am still 314 for the second week. There is no mystery as to why. I haven't been able to work out and my meals have been on the fly, although still as healthy as possible.

I have some big projects going on at work, my friends bridal shower this weekend which I am planning and my mother's 50th birthday party next weekend which I am planning, and my best friend in the whole world Faith is coming for a 4 day visit with her 8 month old baby ethan next weekend. So, I know I am not putting myself first right now but I don't see anyway around it. However I still wanted to check in.


How are all of you doing?

Weigh In

Its been a busy week at work...I have had a seminar all week and haven't gotten home each night until after 8pm. Therefore my eating has been in check but I haven't done much exercise. Hubby and I plan to bike for a couple hours this weekend and be really active to help make up for the days I have been sitting in meetings.

So, this week I am still 314.

Weigh In

Okay, its been my first week back in the saddle. It truly feels good. It is right where I am supposed to be. Feeling in control of my eating empowers me. Some quick thoughts about the week:

1) I never realized how dreadfully dehydrated I get when I am not focused on my eating and water intake. When I am off plan I tend to drink too much diet soda also. The first day back on plan I gained 1.5 pounds in water weight alone, yikes!

2) I need to ignore what my hubby is eating and focus on myself. If hubby falls off the wagon I am too quick to follow. If he is eating healthy I get jealous of all the extra food he can have and still lose tons of weight. We are trying to live healthy together but I need to focus on my own road to health.

3) It is amazing how much carbs affect me. For me, carbs are addictive. I can eat healthy carbs in moderation but if I eat too much I just crave more and more and easily overeat for days.

4) Junk food makes my brain turn to mush. I can think so much more clearly already, after just one week off the comforting junk food.

5) Food doesn’t not truly comfort me long term. It just makes me fatter and more unhappy. I need to stop falling for it!

6) I hope I can remember this next time I fall off the wagon.

I can say I am proud of myself. I must be learning something because although I was derailed, I got back into the game pretty quickly for me. My typical lapse has always been much longer and often I am only half hearted in my renewed attempt. This time I am right back on track and giving it all I have. Maybe that is why I lost 2 pounds this week! I am down 48 pounds from my highest weight of 362!! Yes, I am elated!

Moving on from defeat...

Well, January certainly turned out exactly the opposite of what I planned. I thought I had successfully gotten through the holiday season and I was home free. It’s easy to live healthy in January isn’t it? Well after you throw in a construction project, and horrible car accident, and a hand full of other stresses between work and home what do you get: a derailed lifestyle plan!! It makes me sad that I was derailed mostly because life can be stressful, and I wanted to make sure I did not deal with the stress via food. However once everything got out of control I used it as an excuse to eat comfort foods. Once I was off track for a week, I avoided the scale like the plague just knowing I had gained all my weight back.

I tried to restart a couple times during the month, but I failed every time. Lack of will power and lack of preparation defeated me.

Today is the first time I have stepped on the scale since early January. I was shocked by what I saw. I was exactly the same weight I was when I last checked. I was happy, even though I knew the scale was only telling a half truth. I may have been the same weight but I know I did gain some fat and lose some muscle. My body does not feel the same at all and my clothes are a little tighter. I am still more grateful than ever not to have to lose the same blasted pounds twice. I have done that too many times in my weight loss history.

I have my exercise and eating planned for the week just like I used to. I am back to logging my foods. I have my house stocked full of the good stuff and chucked any junk we had laying around. I banished the diet soda again. (I was so proud to have been off that crap for months, and then I blew it) At this point I will be elated to even lose one pound this week. After 3 weeks of bad behavior I know my body will rebel against weight loss. I am also sure I will go through detoxification again, which I hate! It’s the headaches that kill me the most. Advil here I come!

So, January started off pretty badly, but thankfully it is ending on a sweeter note.

Flipped upside down...

Isn't January the month when everyone pulls it together? Why did I fall apart...more soon.

Out of Control

Life is a little out of control right now, right after Christmas we started a little construction project at our home which turned into a nightmare. Then on Sunday night my husband was in a bad car accident. He will be okay, thank God, but it has left me a little out of control. My scale is lost in construction dust and my kitchen is not usable because everything from my family room and guest bathroom is in the kitchen. I have been making the wisest choices possible but stress has gotten the best of me a few times and my exercise schedule is toast. I should have a new vehicle for my husband and my insurance battles won by Friday. Construction is slated to be done on Sunday. I look forward to being completely back on track on Monday 1-12-08. Until then, I am doing my best. Happy New Year to you all!