First Day

Day one has been difficult. The first week is the hardest. You have to establish a new routine, change your priorities, but most of all change your mind. There is so much planning involved in too. I have not planned all my meals and snacks in a while. I also have not carved out time for daily exercise in months.

My thoughts today have oscillated from being excited to be on the right track to being very mad at myself for letting go of all the progress I had made before. I have not been less than 300 pounds since 2003. I have spent the last few years trying. I have gotten close a couple times. My lowest weight was about 305 about a year ago. Many have said a goal of losing 60 pounds in 11 months is easily achieved. However, as “easy” as it is, I have never been able to do it! My body sheds weight so slowly. I have never been able to stick to anything more than about 4 months. I know that the lack of results has definitely been partly why I can not keep the motivation going. I can not do anything half way and lose weight. I have to be all in, all the time.

I already feel like crap. It is amazing what only one day without sugar and caffeine can do to me. It so hard to feel motivated to workout when you feel like you have no energy and you have a throbbing headache! I want to heed the advice not to do too much to fast. I do not want to be derailed because I bit off more than I can chew. I am going to work up to my full routine. However this week I commit to working out 15 minutes a day and eating right. Next week I will bump it up to 20 mins. Before you know it I will be back into the swing of things. I will not post my meals everyday but I will sometimes just to show what I am eating.

Breakfast: 2 Egg Omelet with provolone, onions and peppers and a banana
Snack: 2 Clementines
Lunch: Tuna on Salad
Snack: Carrots
Dinner: Baked Chicken & Sautéed Broccoli

Since I am also trying to fight PCOS and as well lose weight. I am on a supplement regime as well which includes:
Multi Vitamin
B-Complex
Fish Oil
Vitex
Maca
Natural Progesterone Cream

Okay, I am off to do my 15 mins and then go to bed before I can put anything else in my mouth. :-)

I may not have any readers left. I failed AGAIN. How many times can you fail in one blog? I have not updated in months because nothing I had to say would have helped anyone. My life blew up in my face. I fell into old habits and I gained all the weight I worked so hard to lose. This has to be about the 3rd or 4th time this has happened. I am embarrassed. I am tired of it. I can’t live my life like this anymore. As I contemplated what I should do, so many options swirled in my head. I didn’t want to talk about it until I was sure what I wanted to do. Now, I am completely sure. This will be my last attempt at natural weight loss. I will give it all I have for another year of my life. I am turning 30 in August. My life is flying by faster than I thought possible. I have spent most of this life fat. Although I have not been completely unhappy and have had my share of joys in life, I have always been held back. And I do mean ALWAYS. When I think about getting to the end of my life and thinking about how I lived up to only 1/3 of my potential because I never got my weight under control, it makes me sick. What a waste. Life is such a precious gift. I will not waste it.

If I can not lose at least 60 pounds this year getting me under 300, I will have gastric bypass surgery next year. I have thought about surgery off and on through the years and ultimately always decided against it. I am not a big fan of medical intervention unless it is the last resort and prefer to do things naturally. I would hear about the vitamin absorption issues and health problems and didn’t want to take the risks. However, I am at such a high risk for so many diseases at my current weight, and I am not able to live life to the fullest. If I have the surgery and I have some issues, can it really be worse that where I am today? I am not so sure anymore.

My plan, starting Monday 2/1/10 is this:
1800-1600 calories a day of fruits, veggies, lean protein, and whole grain carbohydrates. I will limit my carbohydrates and not eat any past lunch. I will make the bulk of my diet fruits and veggies. I will focus on getting the most nutrition out of every calorie. I will not eat any fake foods. I will not eat pre packaged foods. I will not eat highly processed foods. I will nourish my body. I will cut out all soda. (even diet) I will drink only water and tea.

In past weight loss attempts have made it very clear that my metabolism is slower than it should be. I must build as much muscle as I can. I must make exercise a very important part of my plan. Without it, I will never increase my metabolic rate. If I do not increase my metabolism, I will not meet my goals and will never be able to maintain a healthier weight. For Christmas my husband got P90X. He asked for it and is excited to use it. My husband is in WAY better shape than I am. He has worked out 3-5 days a week the entire time I have known him. (over 7 years) He is still about 50 pounds overweight, but he is strong and very fit for his weight. I know I may have to work up to doing the full DVD’s but I am going to try them. The people we know that have truly stuck with them have lost a lot of weight. I am going to be doing one P90X dvd every morning M-F(30-60mins). I will be doing bike rides (30mins) in the evening M-F. I will be using the elliptical machine (30-60mins) on Sat & Sun. I have done a schedule similar to this in the past. The first few weeks are hard. I will have to work up to the higher times, however after a month I felt amazing when I was this active. I believe it must be done, and I will be better for it.

This is it. I have little less than a year to change my life. I cannot fail.

Auto Pilot

I have been super busy, friends in town, lots of projects at work, but guess what? I am doing well. I think I am finally back on auto pilot. I am making good choices. I have a lost a few pounds. I feel in control again. I actually feel amazing.

I still have not gotten back to counting calories, and I know that is why I haven't lost more weight, but its one step at a time, and I think I have taken a giant step foward.

Birthday

Today is my 29th birthday. I used to love my birthday. Now I hate it. It reminds me of what I was supposed to accomplish by now but haven't. It reminds me that my dream of being a mother before 30 is never going to happen.

However, I can't change the past, I can only change the future. I must move forward.

Sanibel Island Family Vacation

Commitments and Couches

My first two days back on track have been surprisingly great. I feel better when I am eating healthy foods. (Why do I ever stop???) I am drinking more water, and have re-hydrated. I am back to taking my supplements. I feel like I am back in control. I love knowing what I am going to eat next instead of wondering which emotional craving I will give into next. It is empowering. I don't think they have wi-fi in the hotel we will be in the rest of the week, so you may not hear from me until next week.

Upsetting side note: I was asked by my father today not to sit on their new couch because he thought I would break it seeing as it was not made for someone like me. OUCH!

I wasn't even gonna write about it but I am all about being authentic and sharing the true life of a fat girl. There you go folks!

Steps

I had a party on Friday night at my home. I gathered up all the food and drinks in the house that were not beneficial to getting back on plan. We had a great time and my house if free of that bad snack food that had snuck in over the last few months.

Yesterday, I made a menu plan for next week. I am off to the store today to buy mostly fresh fruits, fresh veggies, lean meats, chicken and fish. I have everything planned out, even my two snacks a day. Next week I will focus on eating healthy but I will not count calories. When I try to change everything at once, I am usually overwhelmed and often fail. If I know during my transition we I have healthy food to eat, but can eat however much I want it helps me stay on track. Next week I will go back to measuring portions and counting calories. I will start out eating 2000 calories a day and will drop it every week by 100 calories until I get to 1600.

As for exercise, I am appalled by the fact I have not stepped foot on my bike or elliptical machine for 6 weeks. I am blessed to have these tools at my disposal and should never let a week go by without using them. My new rule for myself. If I don't exercise in a day, I can't watch TV. I often say I am too tired or too busy for exercise. However, I find a way to watch at least one to two hours of TV everyday. So, I can choose not to exercise if I don't want to, but that means no TV for the day. I have a feeling I will be squeezing at least 30 mins into my schedule again.

I am headed over to Sanibel Island Tuesday with my parents and little sister. we are renting a condo with a kitchen so it should be pretty easy to eat well. We are bringing our bikes with us and every day will include many walks on the beach. I'll be back on the 17th. Have fun wrapping up your summer too!

Wake up call...how did I forget?

My husband is a firefighter/paramedic here in south Florida. He is a hero in my book. He does what I could never do. Emergency situations scare the heck out of me but he snaps to action to save as many people as possible. Every once in a while he comes home with a story or two that really affects him. Its hard to see him in pain because he lost a patient or didn't get the fire out in time.
He came home a couple days ago and I could tell it was a rough shift. When I asked about it I was surprised to see tears in his eyes. He was called to a home where a woman collapsed. When he got there he found a hysterical mother scared for her daughter. He soon found her daughter was having a heart attack. On the way to the hospital she died. There was nothing they could do. Its sad when you lose ANY patient but this one hit close to home for him. She was only 33, beautiful, successful, and morbidly obese. She had so much life left to live but her heart couldn't take it anymore. My husband is deathly afraid this could happen to me.
Once my lifestyle changes fell apart in January of this year I kinda just fell off the wagon again. I struggled to get back up but couldn't find the motivation. I thought to myself: I am fat, I will never be thin and pretty, it is just not my lot in life. Oh well, at least I have a great life, husband and family. I will just stay fat.
When did I forget to should have little to do with being thin and pretty. In all reality this IS a matter of life and death. What is the point in having a great life if you have it cut short due to something you CAN change?

Our 5th Anniversary Trip to New Hampshire and Maine

New Lifetime Show: Drop Dead Diva...Should I be offended??!?

I am currently watching the pilot episode of a new show on lifetime television called Drop Dead Diva. My mom told me I might be interested in it, I had no idea what is was about. I am not sure what to think about it yet. However the stero typing is sooo annoying. The premise of the show is that a size 2 tall, shallow, blonde model gets killed and gets sent back to earth but has to use a the body of someone who is still alive but dying. She goes in the body of a chunky, shorter, smart, brunette. When she sees she is now fat she asks: "You sent me to hell?????!!!!!!"

WOW.

And to be fair, why does the attractive skinny blonde have to be stupid?

There was lots and lots more.

If you catch the show. Let me know what your thoughts are...