Making up for the fat

I find myself constantly making up for being fat. In my mind I am the fat one so I have to be useful in come other way.

I am the fat girl so I have to look perfect all the time. I must always wear make up. I must always have my nails done. I must always have nice clothes and good hair. I must always smell great.

I am the fat friend so I have to be the sweetest one. The most helpful one. The friend you can lean on. I have to win you over with my wit and charm because I turn you off with my blubber at first glance. I must bend over backwards and never cause any tension. I am not allowed to speak my feelings if I don't agree with you. After all fat friend opinions just don't matter as much.

I am the fat student so I must be the smartest. I must study the most. I must get the best grades and write the best papers. I must get involved in everything.

I am the fat employee so I make sure I am worth my weight in gold to my boss. I go the extra mile. I am the one who stays late. I am the one that takes on the more challenging projects. I am the one doing extra work and helping my co-workers.

I have found I can not say no to people. I know now that this is because I am trying to find my self worth externally because I don't like who I am. I figure other people won't like me ether, unless I am beneficial to them. I have to constantly fight the stereo type that I am a lazy idiot who sits home on weekends at eats a pack of cookies in a sitting. I fight the stereo type that I am dirty, unkempt and uneducated. My weight is always on my mind. I think of it more than I think about my husband, my job, or my passions in life. I am constantly making up for the fat.


Spaghetti Squash, my delicious friend.

Have you tried the wondrous spaghetti squash? I tried it for the first time a couple years ago. I loved it but wasn't sure how to cook it. Earlier this year when my dieting efforts were in full force I learned how to cook it. (Directions on how I do it below) First of all it is delicious and very versatile. I have made it as spaghetti with turkey meat balls and tomato sauce. I sometimes make it with garlic, cheese, and Parmesan cheese. I made it Mexican style with spicy turkey, sour cream, onions and tomatoes. Its a great way to add veggies to your diet. It can add fiber to your diet. My personal favorite thing: it has 75 calories a cup! Regular pasta has more than double that. Its my new favorite thing. We have been eating it once a week or so. I thought I would share the love for this amazing vegetable.

Bake It -- Pierce the whole shell several times with a large fork or skewer and place in baking dish. Cook squash in preheated 375°F oven approximately 1 hour or until flesh is tender. Scoop out and serve as desired.


We have made a decision.

We have an unused 3rd bedroom in our home. I thought it might be a nursery sometime in the near future when we bought the house in 2003, so we never did anything with it. However it seems children are not going to be around any time soon. My husband actually has asked me multiple times if we could turn it into a home gym. I also said it was too expensive and that the room could be used for so many other things. Besides, we have gym memberships. However I have thought about it more as of late and have completely changed my mind. The room is just collecting dust. We will never have more than 1 guest over for the night. If we did get pregnant we could put a crib in the guest bedroom. I HATE going to the gym and would love to roll out of bed, put my shoes on and walk across the hall to work out before heading off to my job. I would love that I can fit working out into ANY part of the day I felt like it. If I was ready to get on the treadmill at 3am, I could. (Yeah, I know that will NEVER happen, but hey, I could do it if I wanted to!) We already have a boat load of weights and weight lifting equipment, we have an exercise ball, a treadmill, various work out DVDs, yoga mats, and more. They are all sitting around out house practically begging to be used. I can hear them calling out to me as I pass them everyday. "Please, please use me to get your heart healthy and tone your body, I feel so useless sitting here all day." I am finally going to put the little guys out of their misery.

I am so excited to plan the gym. Tomorrow we are going to pick out paint. Right now it is a very upsetting shade of pepto-bismol pink. The owners before us had two little girls who lived in there. It was like a pink monster threw up in there. I feel silly for not correcting this issue sooner! I am thinking I want to paint it a muted yellow with bright white trim. Next we will pull out the very worn carpet to put down wood. I also want to mount a TV and DVD player on the wall. The biggest and most expensive goal is to buy an elliptical machine. I use them at the gym all the time and it is one of the only exercises I truly enjoy. To get a really high quality machine it is going to be 3-4k. This is a large sum for us to spend and there are many other things we need, newer cars, bedroom furniture, (our current furniture was donated to us when we married which was sweet and all but its very old and falling apart.), and I could go on for days. But I realize nothing I think I need is more important than my health. I am worth it. I can't even enjoy the other parts of life fully if I don't start to feel better in my own skin. So, it seemed like a huge sacrifice at first but now it seems I would be sacrificing more by not getting one. I can't wait to get it all up and running. I will use it daily. Being active is something I have always struggled with. My job is very sedentary these days and I will not have it any longer. I will be active, I will be strong.


The Miracle of Water...

I have a had a rough couple of weeks hence the lack of blogging. Things have been busy and I haven't been as focusing as I could be. John from Fat to Fit totally called me out on the fact that being busy is not an excuse. We are all busy. It is a matter of priorities. So, I guess its not that I have been to busy it is that I have not made the time to focus on my weight loss lately. I was frusterated and let myself fall into some bad habits. One thing I did notice is that I have not been as good with drinking my water lately. I have also been insanely hungry and my appetite was completely out of control. I didn't see the link between the two until today. I realized I needed to step up my water intake. I have been letting myself get dehydrated. So I bought a case of water to keep at my desk at work. I drank all day long and guess what...I wasn't as hungry. I truly didn't know that the water would help me control my cravings. So I am going to ramp up my water intake again. I knew it was important for weight loss but I didn't know how much it would help me control what I eat. I think I will go have a glass right now...yep, I am craving chocolate.


A blast from the past or a look into the future?

I was looking through some photos with my Mom last week and I came across this one from 1997. It was taken almost exactly ten years ago. (Please disregard the bad outfit) This picture documents the thinnest I have ever been as an adult. It made me happy and sad all at the same time.

I was happy because I was reminded that I was thinner and healthier once so I know it can be done. I actually had a figure!

I was sad because I have let myself get so far away from this. I was about 180 pounds in this picture. The saddest thing of all is that I still thought I was huge.Most of all those this photo was inspirational.

I have blown it up and put it on my fridge. I hope it will remind me to eat healthy. It is my new thinspiration, so I wanted to share it with you all. It may be a blast from the past but I truly feel it is a glimpse into the future as well.


Nothing New...

I am just treading water over here but I am not getting anywhere. My motivation is lacking. I have gained and lost 10 pounds over and over the last couple months. I know I need to kick it into high gear but I get so busy. Ack. Sorry peeps.