I was almost completely derailed last week. I was completely emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained. I felt myself wanting to turn to food every single day. I don't know how I did it.

On Wednesday of last week we got a phone call. A friend of a friend of a friend was pregnant and wanted to give the baby up for adoption. She is due in July. She had already had 4 children in the past and all of them had been adopted. We knew very little about the situation but we got very excited. Our dream of becoming parents seemed like it might come true and soon.

On Thursday we got the news that the adoption would cost 25,000 dollars. This was much more than we had, however we had been saving. Maybe we could get the money somehow.

On Friday we find out that the mother is a drug addict. She has taking cocaine, Oxycontin, and smoking daily. We were shocked and saddened she would do this to her baby. She said she would stop for the remaining three months of her pregnancy but what damage had been done?

We worried, prayed, talked and cried. We decided that it was worth the risk. This little baby needs a home and parents even if it was not getting the best start in life.

On Saturday we find out the birth mother has Hepatitis C. We are taken by surprise and saddened all over again. This is horrible news. We read all we can about Hepatitis C and its risks to the baby. We find chances are the baby will not be infected but could be. We wondered if we were ready to take that risk. We were scared but still felt we could do it.

On Sunday we are faxed the medical records of the mother and other personal information. She is a complete wreck with vitamin deficiencies, kidney problems and more. I find myself having panic attacks over the whole situation. My heart was broken for this sweet life growing inside of her. I wanted to save this baby if at all possible. We evaluate our budget. We check how much adding a baby to our insurance would be. We talk about me quitting my job to be a stay at home mom.

Monday we find out the birth mother not only wants living costs but wants us to pay for her to get a large amount of dental work and pay off all her traffic tickets. We find out her requests may not stop there. The adoption costs could go as high as 40,000 dollars.

We say enough is enough. This situation is not for us.

It was a whirlwind of highs and lows and I have come out of it a little depressed.

During the while process I could totally see how something like this could lead to weight gain. Maybe I am truly an emotional eater and not necessarily a food addict.


5 week update

2 more pounds gone. Feeling good physically. Emotionally I am very drained. However, I have not given in to the stress eating. More on the drama later.


Dinner with Friends

I got a call from one of my besties asking me to come over tonight. She is 5 months pregnant and having a rough time. I jumped at the opportunity to see her and hopefully cheer her up. She also said her hubby is cooking us dinner so we can have girl time. Awesome idea, but wait…what if what they are having is not something I should eat? What if it is shocked full of calories? What if it is an old time favorite and I fall off the wagon? When going to dinner at someone else’s home you have very little control over what you are served. I love to be social and don’t ever want to miss out on friend time. A lot of people have said to let your friends and family know you are on a diet so they will have something you can eat. However, first of all, I am not on a diet; I will be living this way. Secondly, I feel that if friend is kind enough to have me over for dinner I do not want to tell them what they can or can’t serve. It just feels ungrateful to me.

She said he was making steak, potatoes and salad. Not the worst line up but still potential to be calorific. Before panicking I looked at my menu for the day and tried to cut things out that would save me more calories for dinner. I saw I could cut out the hummus I eat with my raw veggies (-150 calories) and the Walnuts (-150 calories) I eat as a before dinner snack. That right there brought my dinner calorie allotment to 800 calories. More than enough to enjoy the dinner in moderation! I know it is silly but I felt so proud of myself. Before one of two things would have happened, I would have told my friend I was busy and couldn’t do it OR I would have said screw it and eating too many calories for the day. I was thrown a curve ball, and I planned around it. I mean, this is life, and there will always be the unexpected. It was rough to pass on the hummus, raw veggies with nothing on them are not too delicious but I found instead of focusing on the veggies, I just munched away with enjoying the company of my co-workers. They were my distraction from my bland snack. Passing on the Walnuts was no biggie because I knew I was going to have a bigger dinner than usual. Success!


Weight Fluctuations

*****I did not write this, and honestly I can not even remember where I read this first (it was a few years ago) but I saved it and it has helped me over and over again when the scale has not matched up to my effort or expectations. I thought it may help some of you too so I wanted to post it.*****


We’ve been told over an over again that daily weighing is unnecessary, yet many of us can’t resist peeking at that number every morning. If you just can’t bring yourself to toss the scale in the trash, you should definitely familiarize yourself with the factors that influence it’s readings. From water retention to glycogen storage and changes in lean body mass, daily weight fluctuations are normal. They are not indicators of your success or failure. Once you understand how these mechanisms work, you can free yourself from the daily battle with the bathroom scale.

Water makes up about 60% of total body mass. Normal fluctuations in the body’s water content can send scale-watchers into a tailspin if they don’t understand what’s happening. Two factors influencing water retention are water consumption and salt intake. Strange as it sounds, the less water you drink, the more of it your body retains. If you are even slightly dehydrated your body will hang onto it’s water supplies with a vengeance, possibly causing the number on the scale to inch upward. The solution is to drink plenty of water.

Excess salt (sodium) can also play a big role in water retention. A single teaspoon of salt contains over 2,000 mg of sodium. Generally, we should only eat between 1,000 and 3,000 mg of sodium a day, so it’s easy to go overboard. Sodium is a sneaky substance. You would expect it to be most highly concentrated in salty chips, nuts, and crackers. However, a food doesn’t have to taste salty to be loaded with sodium. A half cup of instant pudding actually contains nearly four times as much sodium as an ounce of salted nuts, 460 mg in the pudding versus 123 mg in the nuts. The more highly processed a food is, the more likely it is to have a high sodium content. That’s why, when it comes to eating, it’s wise to stick mainly to the basics: fruits, vegetables, lean meat, beans, and whole grains. Be sure to read the labels on canned foods, boxed mixes, and frozen dinners.

Women may also retain several pounds of water prior to menstruation. This is very common and the weight will likely disappear as quickly as it arrives. Pre-menstrual water-weight gain can be minimized by drinking plenty of water, maintaining an exercise program, and keeping high-sodium processed foods to a minimum.

Another factor that can influence the scale is glycogen. Think of glycogen as a fuel tank full of stored carbohydrate. Some glycogen is stored in the liver and some is stored the muscles themselves. This energy reserve weighs more than a pound and it’s packaged with 3-4 pounds of water when it’s stored. Your glycogen supply will shrink during the day if you fail to take in enough carbohydrates. As the glycogen supply shrinks you will experience a small imperceptible increase in appetite and your body will restore this fuel reserve along with it’s associated water. It’s normal to experience glycogen and water weight shifts of up to 2 pounds per day even with no changes in your calorie intake or activity level. These fluctuations have nothing to do with fat loss, although they can make for some unnecessarily dramatic weigh-ins if you’re prone to obsessing over the number on the scale.

Otherwise rational people also tend to forget about the actual weight of the food they eat. For this reason, it’s wise to weigh yourself first thing in the morning before you’ve had anything to eat or drink. Swallowing a bunch of food before you step on the scale is no different than putting a bunch of rocks in your pocket. The 5 pounds that you gain right after a huge dinner is not fat. It’s the actual weight of everything you’ve had to eat and drink. The added weight of the meal will be gone several hours later when you’ve finished digesting it.

Exercise physiologists tell us that in order to store one pound of fat, you need to eat 3,500 calories more than your body is able to burn. In other words, to actually store the above dinner as 5 pounds of fat, it would have to contain a whopping 17,500 calories. This is not likely, in fact it’s not humanly possible. So when the scale goes up 3 or 4 pounds overnight, rest easy, it’s likely to be water, glycogen, and the weight of your dinner. Keep in mind that the 3,500 calorie rule works in reverse also. In order to lose one pound of fat you need to burn 3,500 calories more than you take in. Generally, it’s only possible to lose 1-2 pounds of fat per week. When you follow a very low calorie diet that causes your weight to drop 10 pounds in 7 days, it’s physically impossible for all of that to be fat. What you’re really losing is water, glycogen, and muscle.

This brings us to the scale’s sneakiest attribute. It doesn’t just weigh fat. It weighs muscle, bone, water, internal organs and all. When you lose "weight," that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ve lost fat. In fact, the scale has no way of telling you what you’ve lost (or gained). Losing muscle is nothing to celebrate. Muscle is a metabolically active tissue. The more muscle you have the more calories your body burns, even when you’re just sitting around. That’s one reason why a fit, active person is able to eat considerably more food than the dieter who is unwittingly destroying muscle tissue.

Robin Landis, author of "Body Fueling," compares fat and muscles to feathers and gold. One pound of fat is like a big fluffy, lumpy bunch of feathers, and one pound of muscle is small and valuable like a piece of gold. Obviously, you want to lose the dumpy, bulky feathers and keep the sleek beautiful gold. The problem with the scale is that it doesn’t differentiate between the two. It can’t tell you how much of your total body weight is lean tissue and how much is fat. There are several other measuring techniques that can accomplish this, although they vary in convenience, accuracy, and cost. Skin-fold calipers pinch and measure fat folds at various locations on the body, hydrostatic (or underwater) weighing involves exhaling all of the air from your lungs before being lowered into a tank of water, and bioelectrical impedance measures the degree to which your body fat impedes a mild electrical current.

If the thought of being pinched, dunked, or gently zapped just doesn’t appeal to you, don’t worry. The best measurement tool of all turns out to be your very own eyes. How do you look? How do you feel? How do your clothes fit? Are your rings looser? Do your muscles feel firmer? These are the true measurements of success. If you are exercising and eating right, don’t be discouraged by a small gain on the scale. Fluctuations are perfectly normal. Expect them to happen and take them in stride. It’s a matter of mind over scale.


4 weeks in and feeling good!

Down another 2 pounds this week. Although my weight loss has been slow it has been the most consistent it has ever been. I am so grateful and hope it continues.



Besides leaving for the day, there used to be two times a day I left my desk at work. I got up once to get my lunch and once to go to the bathroom. That is it. I counted the steps to the bathroom (40) and the steps to the lunchroom/kitchen (60). That means during my work day I only took about 100 steps. It was shocking to see how sedentary I truly was. Whenever I try to live healthier I end up drinking more water, which means more bathroom breaks and having to make frequent trips to the kitchen since I am eating a few times a day and am always refilling my water bottle. This week I have kept track of how often I get up. I am going to the bathroom every hour and to the kitchen every couple hours. Without even thinking about it I increased my daily office steps to between 600 and 800 steps! I know that is still not a lot. We are supposed to be getting around 10,000 steps a day. I do not have a pedometer but I am certain I do not come near that amount. That is why exercise is so important to me; I barely get any while working. However small, an increase in movement is great and it made me smile.

An unexpected side benefit is I am getting to know my co-workers better and some of them are pretty awesome. People used to say I stayed in my cave (office) and was rarely seen. (It was a running joke.) Now I am coming in contact with all sorts of people as I run around the office. I have been with my company 7 years yet some people didn’t even know I existed because I was not social at all. (I am a very social person but at work I totally had tunnel vision.) I am not only getting healthy but making new office friends too. Nice!


I finally tried the Shirataki Noodles...

I have been hearing about the Shiratake noodles for years. I was very skeptical about them and never got around to trying them. I was wandering around Whole Foods where I like to get my produce and I saw them in the dairy section. They were $1.99 a package and they had two varieties fettuccine shaped and spaghetti shaped. I bought them both and thought I would give them a whirl. With only 40 calories in an entire package I couldn't pass it up. How bad can they be?

I read some review on these and honestly it got me kinda nervous. People seemed to think they were the best things on earth or completely disgusting. I saw very few people who had had a middle of the road experience with them.

I followed the directions on the package and had them with my hubby and parents with my mom's spaghetti sauce. These were the reactions:

Dad: "These are really weird!" "You have to put a lot of sauce on them." "I guess I would eat them again."

Mom: "These are okay." "I love that they are low in calories." "I would eat them sometimes."

Hubby: "These are disgusting." "I hate the funky texture." "I am not up for these again."

My thoughts: The texture is different. They are more chewy than regular pasta. They do not taste like anything. They smell weird at first but once you boil them they smell neutral. I was not really a fan of the fettuccine but I actually did like the spaghetti version. Since the noodles were thinner you did not notice the texture as much. I would eat them again if I was really craving pasta. Its great that it is so low in calories and they have some fiber in them.

Have any of you tried them? What are your thoughts?


I really need to shrink back into my old pants. See, I have lots and lots of clothes. I have them in many sizes. In fact until I weigh less than 250 I likely will not need to buy a thing. It makes my husband crazy. I take up TWO closets in my house. I have never given up hope that I will lose the weight so I can never get rid of the smaller clothes. Unfortunately, last time I lost weight I did get rid of some of my clothes. I believed if I did I wouldn’t gain it back. But, I did. So when my pants started getting too tight I had to buy some more. I refused to buy more than 2 pair of pants. I wouldn’t stay this heavy long but I had to wear something! (I still had shirts that fit.) So, I bought two pair, I think that was about 5-6 months ago. However because I only had two pair and my legs rub together they are wearing out quickly. I will NOT buy anymore in this size. I know if I lose 10 more pounds I can fit into alot of my old pants. Luckily my pants feel looser even though I have only lost 9 pounds. I think part has to do with weight and part as to do with bloat. One of my pants is seriously on its last leg, any minute now I know there will be a hole where my legs rub together and then I will be down to one! I can’t wear the same pants everyday!! I already hate alternating. I must be out of these pants asap! (And into new one’s of course.)


3 weeks in and a million more to go...

It's week three weight-in day...I lost two more pounds!!! :-)


BBQ Turkey Wrap

I just had the yummiest simple dinner and I thought I would share. It is what I am calling a BBQ Turkey Wrap.

I took one large Low carb wrap. (Mine was 140 calories but it had 5 grams of fiber and 9 grams protein.)I spread 2 tablespoons of BBQ sauce on it. I added 2 oz of boars head all natural turkey, red onion, tomato, spinach and a little mozzarella cheese. I put it in the oven at 350 for about 10 mins and wrapped it up. Yummo!


How rude!

Eating out while I am in weight loss mode is pretty stressful for me. If we go somewhere that I can look up the calorie content online ahead of time then I don’t worry about it, I know I will make a good choice. It is when we go to those fun local restaurants that don’t have the nutritional information. I know that restaurant meals have lots of hidden calories. I have often tried to estimate calories but have been very wrong because I never imagined how much butter they actually used or that they added sugar to something. Anyway, on Tuesday night I went out to dinner with a friend. It was the first meal out I have eaten in the last few weeks. She picked the restaurant. Technically there should be something I can eat at every restaurant even though it may sometimes only be a salad with a lighter dressing on the side. When I got there I looked at the menu and there were many things that were almost healthy, and will a few changes I knew I could have a great meal. When the waitress came to the table she asked for our order. I smiled and said, I know I am about to be a big pain, sorry! I want to order the grilled chicken sandwich with a few changes please. She immediately rolled her eyes. I was not expecting that. I have gotten annoyed reactions in the past but usually if I preface it with an apology they are a little more gracious. This was exactly the reaction that made me nervous to custom order my food. As I read of to her what I wanted I also got a heavy sigh with the eye roll. Nice!

I ordered the grilled chicken sandwich with a wheat roll instead of white, no mayo, no bacon, no cheese, with honey mustard on the side, steamed broccoli instead of fries, and a side of salsa.

I realize that was a lot of changes but they were all offered on the menu. Do thin people who special order get eye rolls too? Has this ever happened to you? Do you get dining out anxiety?


Go Nuts! (but not too nuts!)

This week I have been feeling really hungry in the afternoon. Even though I live on the east coast, I am an account manager at my company for clients on the west coast. I typically go to work at 10am and get off around 7pm EST. The great new is I miss traffic both ways and have extra time to exercise in the morning. The bad news if I get home so late which means I eat dinner sooooooo late. Many nights when I was not doing so well I would be so hungry by the time I got home I would screw cooking dinner and just eat whatever I could find and fast! Since I was over-hungry I often over-ate. I started to feel that way this week. I never gave in and went wild but I wanted to and I knew if I didn’t change something, I would at some point. I can only be so strong people! J After looking at my eating schedule I decided to add some nuts at the end of the day to get me through. I was a little nervous about this because it is so easy to eat too many nuts. I decided to add Walnuts. They are so dense in calories but a little go along way. I also was excited about adding some extra omega 3’s, minerals, and fiber to my diet. I typically was eating like this:

8am: Breakfast

11am: Snack

1pm: Lunch

4pm: Snack

8pm: Dinner

But now I am doing this:

8am: Breakfast

11am: Snack

1pm: Lunch

4pm: Snack

6pm: 8-12 Walnuts Halves

8pm: Dinner

Guess what? It totally worked. It’s not a lot of nuts but it totally satisfied me until I get home. I am no longer ravenous and have no trouble waiting for my food to cook. Who knew such a little nut could make such a huge difference? I likely will switch it up some weeks and have almonds or pecans. (Raw of course!) As long as I count them out inside of munching them from the bag I feel confident I will not eat too many. Remember that since nuts have a high fat content (Good Fats!) to store them in the fridge to make sure they do not go rancid. I didn’t know about this until recently so I thought I would share.


2 weeks in the bag!

I just keep sighing with relief. It feels so nice to be back in control. It's funny to me that I crave this control and structure yet I allow myself to spiral into my old habits so often. I don't just feel healthier physically, my head is clear and I am ready to take on the world!

I am doing 30 mins of exercise daily and sometimes I am getting some bonus exercise in when I lift weights while watching TV. It's all baby steps. It's tough during the week as I spend so many of my waking hours in my office working. That is not something I can change but I am working to make my weekends as active as possible. So above and beyond doing deliberate exercise but I am trying to just get out of the house and keep moving.

This week I lost 2 pounds.



Body Bugg

My mom just bought me a Body Bugg. I have seen them used on the Biggest Loser but I don't know much about them yet. It is exciting though! I am hoping I can get some information about how many calories I am really burning. I have a feeling the results may be disappointing. My metabolism is slow, I know it is. When I try those general calorie burn calculators online they say I should be burning over 3000 calories a day. However when I cut my calories to 2000, I still don't lose weight. I have to go at least to 1800, and sometimes all the way to 1600 if I am not getting much exercise. It has always been very frustrating. I will be trying it out soon and reporting back to you. Has anyone else out there tried it? Any tips or advice?


Is this to "heavy" for this blog?

I debated whether or not to blog about this at all. It is very personal and I haven't discussed it with many people in my life. However I figured I should be as authentic as possible so why not? Besides, this blog is anonymous and wasn't the point of that so I can be honest?

I don't know if my hubby has been watching too much Dr. Phil or what but he brought something up this week that I had never thought about before. We were looking at some old photo albums and he noticed I starting gaining a lot of weight in 1995. I was always little chubby but I didn't start packing it on until then. Then he asked, isn't that the year you were raped?

When I was 14 I was raped. I have never really correlated it with my weight gain before. I am still not sure it has anything to do with it. However, my hubby wants me to go to counseling. He says he has seen me use food as a coping mechanism and thinks it may have started with the rape. I truly feel like I have moved past it and rarely think about it anymore. I guess there is a possibility that subconsciously it affects me. I can't see any harm in talking to someone about it. So I made an appointment to with a psychologist. Maybe she can help me with my emotional eating, even if it has nothing to do with being raped.

I have noticed that I can be on a roll, eating well, exercising, feeling great, but then something will happen in my life that I have trouble handling and I completely fall off the wagon. This of course is not the only reason for my weight gain but it has been a large contributor. I just feel if I never get to the bottom of it, my weight loss will never be permanent.


Weekend Success!

I am so excited to be reporting on my first full successful week in a long time. The weekend was not easy but I stuck to my guns. Now I just have to repeat this about 104 times or more. :-)

Drumroll please>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I lost 5 pounds!

It felt so good to work hard all week and actually see it on the scale. As my long time readers know, this is not always the case. Typically, my body resists weight loss at all costs. I don't know if all the stars aligned or what!??!?

Replacing two meals a day with shakes was boring but it helped me make the right choices for the week. I think it may have kept my blood sugar stable and my cravings were less. My mind would still want to eat tasty things but honestly my body was completely satisfied. Although I only committed to the shakes for one week, I am now thinking if it ain't broke, don't fix it! So until it stops working or I just can't stand to drink another shake I will continue.

I am breathing a sigh of relief. I finally, after flubbing up the first 7 weeks of 2010, am on the right road.