Happy Holidays!

December has been completely chaotic but I wanted to take a moment to wish you all a happy holiday and joyous new year! Cheers to 2008!


Moxie: Where have you been all my life???

So, I haven't been around lately. Things have been busy and I sure am missing having a computer at home. I think if I don't get one for Christmas I may have to break down and buy one. I took for granted everything I used it for. I am barely function at home without one. Is that sad?

Update: Moxie (my new Precor Elliptical Machine) is AMAZING. Even though she was expensive I can firmly say she is worth every penny and more. It has been so convenient to have an exercise machine at my disposal at all time. The frame is sturdy and it is so comfortable to work out on. I have tried a lot of cheaper ellipticals that just do not cut it. Being a bigger girl I do not want to use something that I feel I may break. I have been doing the interval training I have heard so much about. I go as fast as I can for one minute and then at a normal speed for 2-3 mins, then as fast as I can for 1 minute again. I have heard this burning More calories even at rest.
I started with good intentions of doing it twice a day for at least an house....but most days I have only used it once. I am hoping I can work up to twice a day.
Hubby has been using it everyday as well and he loves it too, which is awesome since he never likes any cardio. It definitely helps to have a TV in the work out room. It take my mind off the actually work I am putting in and helps me go longer.
Eating hasn't been as hot...I am not doing badly but I am not saying "no" to the seasonal yummies flying around.
I spoke to my personal trainer for the first time on Sunday. She sounded great and I look forward to meeting her next week for our first session. I told her I wanted to start after the first of the year but she just wouldn't have it saying "Why wait until the first of the year when you can be 10 pounds lighter by 2008." I can already tell she is very encouraging and positive. She has asked me to log all my food until we meet so we can go over it. This what I dread most, someone judging my diet. However, when I was looking over what I eat each day it isn't that bad. I love fruits and veggies...I just need to cut sweets, and cut portions. I do however look very forward to learning new exercises from her. I am a little nervous about her being shocked about my size. I feel I am quite shocking. Is she picturing a normal girl with 30 pounds to lose?!?!?! I will fill you in on all that next week.


Surviving Thanksgiving

My parents and the in-laws both live near by. Its a wonderful set up really because I love having big family gatherings and am glad I get to see them all so often. Hubby and I also have the pleasure of eating two thanksgivings every year. This means double the pumpkin pie, double the mashed potatoes, double the leftovers and double the weight gain every year. The first year hubby and I were together we were so full we got sick, after both dinners! The second year I abstained from eating anything but turkey and veggies...a couple days after thanksgiving I felt so deprived I made us our own thanksgiving dinner and ate it all. Finally the voice of reason won out this year: eat whatever you want at each thanksgiving but only take a small spoonful. I must say it sounds good in theory but when the delicious thanksgiving dinner is staring you in the face it is harder to take a small helping. As I moved through each buffet line I just kept telling myself that I could always go back for more if I wasn't satisfied. Of course once I ate the entire plate of mini-servings I was still a little hungry but I decided to wait 10 minutes before digging in again. By the end of the 10 minute wait, I feel fine. Not hungry at all. This is the first year I won the battle. As everyone at the table loosened their belts and groaning from being over stuffed I felt great. I still ate more than I needed for sure, but I did ward off many extra calories and didn't gain an ounce. If only I can live every day this way.

I am so thankful for each of you. Your support and encouragement are so appreciated. We will do this together. I hope you all had a lovely holiday.


She may not be Jillian Michaels, but she's mine for 12 weeks!

So, I get called to the HR Directors office a couple days ago. I went over there not knowing what to expect. Its like being called to the principals office. I racked my brains to figure out what I could have done wrong! When I walked in the first think she said was "Don't worry, this is a good visit, at least I hope it will be!" (Just to give you a mental picture of my HR director she is the peppiest, cutest little blond in the world. People don't usually know how to take crazy amount of energy and optimism. But, some think she is evil, this is because she is kind of like the office police and has to give out punishments and bad news.) What she had to say was so touching to me. She said that after the whole ordeal Hubby and I had to go through with Biggest Loser she was devastated for me. She knew how much we wanted it and hated that hubby's job took the opportunity from me. She said how much she valued me as a person and employee. She said she really wanted to give me a little some thing to encourage me. So, she took the rest of the HR budget for the year and asked if she could buy me 12 weeks of personal training. I held back tears. How incredibly thoughtful of her. She didn't have to care. It is not like we were close or anything. It was such an unexpected blessing. I can't wait to start with a trainer. I do very well when I have direction. I hope I can learn a lot from her. I am going to go for a consultation soon and will start training in January after the holiday rush. She may not be Jillian Michaels, but she's mine!


Is moving a work out?

I am completely exhausted. I spent all weekend helping my sister in law move in to her knew place. We had a lot of fun moving furniture, unpacking boxes, and decorating. I had to have burned tons-o-calories! We barely even had time to eat. But, she is all moved in and very happy. More next week...


A cool tool...

I found this great weight loss tool on....its not a shake, an exercise gadget or a pill....its a website called www.weightview.com You can send in a picture of yourself and let them know you want to lose 5, 10, or 20 plus pounds and they will send your picture back showing what you may look like after you lose the weight. It is awesome as a motivator and for the very curious. I realize if you are already a pro at photo shop you can do this your self but for people like me its an wonderful FREE service. Check it out.


Meet our new baby!

She's finally here, our new baby. I know she is just a machine but I feel we should name her. How about Moxie. Moxie and I will be spending tons of time together. My first work out session is tonight and I am so excited about it. I felt like wrapping her up with a red ribbon and cutting it with a giant pair of scissors while on lookers cheered. I wanted to break a bottle on champagne on her to wish us luck on her maiden voyage. But, instead I am going to jump on tonight and pedal into the night for at least an hour. This is a tool that I have wanted and need for a while. Moxie and I are going to be a winning team.


So what am I going to do about it?

So, I am going to start again, a new fresh weight loss journey. I am not even going to think about my failures except to learn from them. The work out room is almost complete and I am really excited about it. The elliptical machine will be delivered Wednesday and then the room will be open for business, and I mean serious business. How many people are blessed enough to have a home gym!?!? I need to make the most of this, I intend to use it every single day. No more excuses. There is not a day that goes by that I can't do something, even if it is 15 mins. My hope is to do 20-30 mins in the morning and 20-30 mins at night to start. I want to switch my exercise routine up every time but I want to constantly do at least half of my workout time on the elliptical machine. I have been reading a lot about interval training and I plan to incorporate that philosophy.
As far as eating is concerned...I know what to eat and what not to eat. I want to continue drinking my cinch breakfast smoothies. They were delicious and way filling. I need to be smart about lunch. This is often the time of day I get tripped up. There is always so much food in office. People will be ordering pizza, Chinese, there is cake in here every week. I need to pre-plan my lunches and snacks. I want to focus on fruit and salads. You can make so many different variations of salads and its pretty easy. I just need to make sure I get to the grocery store twice a week to keep fresh produce in the house at all times. Dinner is my easiest meal as I know a lot of healthy recipes and in a pinch I can grill up fish or chicken and sauté veggies. Its the after dinner munchies I always battle. I think I am going to try and go to bed earlier to ward this night time eating off. If I absolutely must have something I will try and have a piece of fruit or a cup of milk. (Even though I usually crave chips or ice cream, even when I buy the healthy kind, it just doesn't help my dieting efforts.

Mentally I need to just refocus. Think about why I want to lose this weight once and for all. I can never stop fighting for my health. This is a most worthy battle and I can win it.

My short term goal: To be under 300 pounds by my 28th birthday August 21st, 2008.


Repercussions of trying out for biggest loser.

So, where am I at now? I'm fat. I know was fat before, but I am fatter. Actually I am right back where I started January 2007 at the frightening weight of 360. I worked so hard to get down to 324...which was my low this time around. How did I blog my way back up to 360 again? Well, I know it started after Stacy's wedding...I stopped exercising as frequently and went into a little depression mode in which I ate too much. And then with the biggest loser thing in August, I know I let myself go. I exercised to get build up my endurance for the show but I basically was eating whatever I wanted. I don't know if it was because I figured I should eat it now because after the biggest loser I couldn't any more or what but I do know it was a big FAT mistake.


Biggest Loser: A New Ending.

Well in the last two week I have had: a twisted ankle, my brother joined the army, my work load doubled as I took on 30 new accounts, my good friend was rejected from the school of her dreams, my other good friend got pregnant unexpectedly much to her shock and dismay, I caught a raging cold complete with cough , had many home improvement issues and pains, I have been having panic attacks and much much more. Lets just say life has not been boring around here. Half the time I felt I was in a poorly written drama. Thank God I have an amazing support system or I would have lost my mind.

Aside from all that lets talk about the most interesting thing that happened on my vacation. While we away we had a great time with friends that I definitely don't get to see enough. We spent a few days in Connecticut which was gorgeous, and then a couple days at our friends home in NYC before heading back to Florida. We got to enjoy the weather, nature, a wine tasting, dinner on the roof, s'mores, being tourists, great conversation, and more.

The last night we were in NYC we spent the night in. We ordered fabulous Greek take out and settled for a night of hanging out. Because we are all Biggest Loser fans, we decided to watch while we ate. about half way through the show hubby's phone rang, it was in the back bedroom so we ignored it. Then my phone started to ring a few moments later. I let it go to voice mail. During a commercial break I went over to see who called. My heart skipped a beat as I saw it was a 310 area code which is for Los Angeles. I pressed the voicemail button and held my breath. The message said " Hi, this is Lucy from Biggest Loser, I have a question to ask you can you call me back as soon as possible." I walked into the living room and said in a dazed shocked tone "The biggest loser just called us." (While we were watching the biggest loser, HOW FREAKING IRONIC?!?!?) My friends in a flurry on comments told us to call them back right away. Hubby and I went into the back bedroom and I dialed the number as I began to shake. Lucy said one of the finalist had fallen through and they wanted us to come out to LA ASAP. I didn't know what to say. I knew deep down inside we couldn't go but I could not bring my self to say no. I told her we were in NYC visiting friends at the moment but we were leaving in the morning. I asked if I could call her back in a couple hours. She gave me her personal cell number and asked me to try and call as soon as we can. We went back out to the living room to tell our friends what was going on. The reaction they gave was not what I thought. They all thought Hubby should just quit his job and we should just go for it, after all it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. WOW. I had never felt so conflicted in my life. I felt like I was going to throw up. Hubby work so hard to get his job. It was what he always wanted. He was hired out of 400 people who applied. It is one of the few jobs left that gives a pension, and as a public servant, you don't make a ton of money so the pension is so valuable. Also we had been told by HR that if you leave the Department you can not ever be re-hired, even if you left on good terms, it was just the rules. My friends were trying to help but their words wounded me. They said I was way too cautious. That I wouldn't get anything out of life unless I took risks. That Hubby and I could just move to a different city after the show and get new jobs. It was all to much for me. I had just come to terms with the fact we were not going to be on the show and now I had the opportunity but I couldn't do it. Everything was happening so fast. We thought about calling hubby's chief at home and begging. But they had already said no, Three times! I retreated to the roof for a good cry and a call to my mom. She was pained but this as much as I was. She knew how much I had wanted this and how painful it was the first time I had to mourn the loss. Doing it twice was a cruel joke. My friend came up to comfort me. She said she was sorry if they had kind of ganged up on me. They just wanted me to have the experience so badly. Then my husband came up to talk to me. He said he would totally quit his job if that's what I wanted. (But I knew it was not what he wanted.) We talked a little while and I knew what I had to do. I called Lucy and told her everything. That we wanted to go more than anything but Shawn's work never gave him the full go ahead. I told her we still could head out to LA if she wanted while we negotiated with his employer from there but there was no guarantee. She was great about it, even sad for us. I tried to throw in that we should be the "special surprise contestants" who compete from home. She laughed and said she would have to pass and go to the next person on the list. So I guess that is the new ending for our biggest loser story. I thought I should share it.


Please Excuse my Absence

Vacation was good and a little crazy....got back to face even more crazy. I will explain when I have time to write this weekend and maybe post a pic or two. Thanks for the kind words and patience.


Who is that?!?!

I went in to get a mani/pedi today before my vacation. Hubby and I are going up to Connecticut for five days to stay with wonderful friends we don't see enough. I am pretty excited about it. We are leaving tonight and should be back in 5 days. It will be the peak of the fall foliage and I hope to have some beautiful pictures to share. It will also be lovely to get away from this Florida heat into the brisk fall air.

I sat at a different nail station than usual. It had me facing a wall of mirrors as she did my nails. Every time I looked up I wondered who was staring at me. I have large eyes but the girl in the mirror had small piggish eyes. I have an oval face but the girl in the mirror had a very round moon pie face. She also had chubby little sausage fingers and the beginnings of a double chin. Who is that?


The Biggest Loser Part 3

We kept trying to remind ourselves that we still were up against many other pairs but it was hard not to get our hopes up at this point. They had loved us and told us to start talking to our employers, they really thought that we would be awesome candidates and so did we. It was so hard to try to start making plans to be a part of it while it was still so up in the air. The next day we made plans to make our home video. It was tough to know what we should do or say because we felt we said everything we could in the interview. We decided to just try to show a day in our lives as over weight people and drive home the keep parts of our story. We shoot the video in less takes than I thought it would take but more than the hubby would have liked. Since we couldn't edited it ourselves we had to make sure it was perfect. We took the video and 28-page background checks and sent them off over night to LA. We didn't know what to think after that step. They never said when we would hear from them next.

We thought about it day and night. Even though it has only been 4 days since our call back interview it felt like a lifetime. We finally heard something that afternoon. We got an email from another casting director named Lucy and she said we had made it to the next stage in casting. My heart started pounding, things kept rolling along. Could this be it for us!? She gave us the dates we would possibly be away for the taping of the show and again encouraged us to talk to our employers and get back to her asap that we could get the time off and everything was a go. My employer was a snap. My boss is amazing and we have a great relationship. My company isn't that large so there wasn't a lot of red tape to cut through. My boss immediately said yes and gave me his blessing. For my husband it wasn't so easy. He has a government job and there red tape abounds. The initial reaction from his boss wasn't so great. They seemed to think it was not a valid reason to ask for a leave of absence. His contract stated that he could have unpaid leave if it was a medical reason or if it was a educational endeavor. We decided we could argue it was both of those things if given the chance. Because of the urgent tone of the email we wanted to get back to Lucy as soon as possible. We decided to let her know it was a go ahead on the dates and we would figure it all out later when we got more information.

More waiting, but not for long. A couple days later another email came asking us for more pictures and this time they were very specific. They wanted: one of us at our thinnest, one of us shirtless currently, and one of us at our heaviest. They also wanted any other pictures we thought were important or showed our personality. They remind us that this is material they will use to sell us to the producers. I scrambled to get the task done as quickly as possible. A couple days later, another email comes asking us five more questions about ourselves to answer in essay form. At this point I am beginning to think Biggest Loser will know more about me than my closet friend. A few days after that we got an email asking us to write a bio about ourselves. It gave no guidelines for what the bio should include or how long it should be. It was difficult for me. Should I write one page, two pages? Should I include only things related to weight loss or all the highs and lows in my life? I went back and forth for two days and finally wrote what I thought I should. It was honest and interesting, not too long, but not to short. Pulling all this information from the depths of my mind was both therapeutic and exhausting. I was living life in a constant state of being on pins and needles. Every time I would start to think I may not hear from Lucy again she would email me. She had originally said we would know if we were heading out to LA on September 22nd. I had everything in my life revolving around that day. I wish I had known in Hollywood, these dates are more like guidelines and everything is extremely flexible. On the 20th we were sent an email saying our final step was to get a medical evaluation from our doctor before we got out there. They wanted to make sure we were healthy enough to participant. Lucy said they would also give us extensive evaluations and tests once we were in LA but they wanted to get the preliminary work out of the way since they were in a time crunch. I had to practically cry and beg to get a Doctors appointment as they again wanted the papers faxed over to them ASAP. Everything with them needed to be done yesterday but the latest. We had our physicals and faxed everything over. We were then told to fill out these very long surveys about out activity level, sleep patterns, eating patterns, and emotions. We did not have to send these in yet but they should be pack in our carry on when we fly out to LA. They needed to be ready to turn in once we got there.

The day of the 22nd came and I could barely focus. This was it, the moment of truth. Every time the phone rang I jumped out of my skin. I got an email from Lucy that afternoon saying the deadline was pushed back, not we wouldn't know anything until the 29th...a whole week later. That evening she called me and said she needed some better quality 5x7's of hubby without his shirt on. She said they were making the casting pitch books and videos and needed those to be included. I asked her how everything was coming and if she thought the 29th would truly be the date. She said they were doing there best and that everyone was pulling for us. She went on about how she thought we were great and had an awesome shot. Ahhh, just the reassurance I needed. We are so in.

The problem: hubby had filed an appeal with the leadership at his job to ask for the time off. It looked like we would only have a week once we were told we were going to LA so we had to get this in line now. He appeal was denied. How could this happen? This is meant to be. We were devastated. Hubby knew he had to fight this until the end. He stuck his neck out there and scheduled a meeting with the head of the county. He would plead his case yet again hoping for a better outcome.

The 29th came and we were given the fateful news. Lucy called me, which I thought was sweet. They said they would call us if we were on, and we would hear nothing if we did not get picked. Hubby and I were not going to LA. The sentence stung as if I had been in a swarm of angry bees. She explained that everyone loved us but that the producers really wanted people who had at least 100 pounds to lose. Hubby who is 6'5'' and 305 pounds truly couldn't have lost more than about 80 pounds, if that. In the end they wanted someone heavier. When I called hubby we had a good laugh. All his life he has struggled with is weight and now they were telling him he wasn't fat enough??!? Oh the irony.

I felt so many mixed emotions. I felt so disappointed. I felt this was my chance. It was a once in a life time opportunity and I wanted it so badly I could taste it. Every step in the processes had gone so smoothly, everyone kept saying how much they loved us. We made it through every stage of the game, and yet they still ruled us out. It was tough to swallow, and yes, I did have a big cry about it. The first thing my 12-year-old sister said to us when I told her was "Oh no! You won't be on TV now?" But for me it was never about being on TV. In fact being on TV shirtless trying to exercise is not my idea was a great time. It was about hope. Hope that I would finally have help. Hope I would get this weight off once and for all. Hope I would gain my fertility and have a baby. Hope hubby and I could get healthy together and live the life we were meant to live. I did have to mourn the loss of missing out on the biggest loser.

I also felt a bit relieved. We got the final word back on hubby's final appeal the day before and they had again said no. At this point there would have been nothing else he could do. If they had picked us he would have had to quit his job or we would have had to say no to the opportunity. It would have killed me to say no to the biggest loser and I feel I could have resented hubby for it even though it is not his fault at all. I would have been bitter. I could never have let him quit his job though, he loves it, he is so good at it, and it is a great job that is not easy to come by around here. So in the end, maybe I was spared.

So that's it. All the drama and jumping through biggest loser hoops is over. Just as quickly as everything started, it faded away. Now I stand alone again. It is up to me, and me alone to make the change. Agirlworthlosing is not the biggest loser.


The Biggest Loser Part 2

So, the next day I was at the in-laws house for dinner when I got the call. "Hi, this is Penelope from the biggest loser, I thought you were really great yesterday and I would love to have you come for a call back tomorrow afternoon." I couldn't believe it! After all the people she saw that day, after us how did she even remember what we said? I called my boss immediately and said I have an appointment I couldn't miss. I got the day off and started working on all the things they asked us to being to the call back. They wanted more pictures. They wanted props that could help us sell ourselves. They wanted us to have an new much much longer application filled out and ready. It was already 9pm and we had to finish everything by 1pm the next day and drive down again. I was running on adrenaline and stayed up half the night. Hubby was working so he couldn't even be there to help.

The next day we headed out and couldn't help but be excited. We were told to call Penelope when we got there and if she didn't answer then they were in another call back and we should wait in the lobby. We called and left a voice mail that we were there. We waited in the lobby for what felt like an eternity but it was probably about an hour. Finally Penelope called and said she was sorry they were running late but we could head up to the room now. In the room was Penelope and the male casting director from the casting call. His name was Dean. They greeted us and ushered us into the hotel suite. In the sitting area of the room there was a camera set up across from a couch. We chit chatted while they adjusted the camera and lighting. When they were done they asked for our pictures and second application. Dean held the pictures up to the camera and asked us to talk about each one. Then came the interview. Dean asked most of the questions while Penelope took notes. I thought it would be weird to talk to the camera but I just focused on Dean. He was so warm and fun to talk to it felt like any conversation I would have with a friend. The interview lasted a little over 2 hours. We talked about what seemed like everything. When we first become overweight, what our relationship with food is, how our weight affects our marriage, our fertility issues, how our weight affects us at work, our families, and more. It was a very in depth and emotional process for me. It was nice to have hubby by my side. One of the most touching moments was to hear him talk about how much he wanted to help me get to my goal weight because he wanted me to feel as beautiful and wonderful as I really am. He also got a little teary as we discusses my health and how doesn't want me to have to deal with obesity related illnesses down the road. By the end of the interview I was emotionally drained but we had a fabulous time. They hit stop on the camera and Dean said "I think you guys are perfect! You have an excellent shot at this, you need to start talking to your employers about getting some time off." Penelope handed us a 28 page background check form that must be completed for each of us and turned in 7 days from then. They also said we needed to make a home video that they would use to pitch us to the producers. They gave us the address and a special code word to put on our package to make sure it was pushed up to the top. We were told to keep everything confidential and only tell people you needed to know. They wanted to keep the contestants identities a secret.

We left feeling on top of the world! How could it have gone any better?

To be continued.

The Biggest Loser....I can finally talk about it.

Well as you may have noticed I have been spinning my wheels and getting nowhere for a few months. This was exasperated in August because I tried out for the biggest loser. As a fan of the show I always thought how cool it would be to be a part of it. Getting to spend weeks on nothing but health and fitness is a dream. No outside distractions. No excuses. Hard work, and lots of support. When I heard in early August that they wanted teams of two and were holding auditions only a little over a hour from my home I thought it would be fun to go try out. My husband is also trying to lose weight and who could make a better team mate than him.

We packed up the car Saturday morning and headed out to the audition. We didn't have our hopes up as many would audition and the chances were slim but we figured it would be interesting to see the casting process and we may meet some pretty cool people. Auditions were to be held from 10am - 5pm and they guaranteed to see the first 500 people. Hubby and I wanted to be first in line so we could we could have the rest of Saturday to spend some time together. We got there a little before 6am and happened to be number nine in line. The first person had gotten there at midnight! Wow! That is dedication! About an hour later there were hundreds of people there and more coming every minute. I was certainly glad to have gotten an great spot in line. For the audition we had to fill out an application and bring a picture. I couldn't decide what pictures to submit so we went through the 20 I brought as we waited. We each did a head shot and a full body. It couldn't hurt to send two right? As I heard the stories of each of the other biggest loser wanna-bes I was touched. Each person I spoke with was pretty fabulous. It was nice to talk to a whole group of people who all had weight issues. We could all relate on that level. There was every kind of overweight person there. Some had 50 pounds to lose and some had 300. Some were old, some young. Some came in pairs of co-workers, best friends, parent-child teams and everything in between. Some even came by themselves. Even thought they asked for teams they had to give it a chance. To see the hope in each persons eyes made me sad. I know very few would even make it to call backs. I am hoping they can take control and lose weight on their own.

As the casting opened a little after 10am we formed a line. As it zig-zagged across the room and way out the door I realized it would be a very long day for some. As number 9 in line we only waited about 20 mins to be called. They were bringing people up in groups on 8 and we were in the second group. When we got up stairs they broke us up into two groups of four. There were two casting directors, a man and a women, each one took a group of four.

We were sent over to the women's side of the room. She introduced herself and warmly smiled. They other two in our group were best friends and co-workers. They looked very nervous. Shawn and I weren't taken it two serious so we felt pretty laid back. The casting director asked took our applications and pictures and asked us to go around and say our name, age, how much we weigh, how much we want to lose and our profession. I was the first to start. It was very odd to hear myself saying out loud how much I weighed and how much I needed to lose. In fact, I had never said it to anyone except here on my blog. Hearing a number over 300 pounds is just too much of a slap of reality. Also, facing the fact you weight more than your husband who is a tall guy is a shot to the gut. I guess I am usually living in a fantasy land. After we had all finished she asked us each to tell her our motivations for losing weight and why we would want to do it on BL. Hubby did a fabulous job and was very easy-going and witty. He got many laughs and I was proud of his interview skills. I was a little more serious with what I said and truthfully I teared up a bit. I said I didn't want to cry but when you speak from the heart its tough. All in all we spent about 5 minutes with her and then were all thanked for coming and told they would only call back 20 teams that day and if we didn't get a call we should send in a video if we want a second chance. Hubby and I felt we did well but how can you really tell much from 5 minutes? We laughed about the things we said and drove home not expecting a call back.

To be continued.


Making up for the fat

I find myself constantly making up for being fat. In my mind I am the fat one so I have to be useful in come other way.

I am the fat girl so I have to look perfect all the time. I must always wear make up. I must always have my nails done. I must always have nice clothes and good hair. I must always smell great.

I am the fat friend so I have to be the sweetest one. The most helpful one. The friend you can lean on. I have to win you over with my wit and charm because I turn you off with my blubber at first glance. I must bend over backwards and never cause any tension. I am not allowed to speak my feelings if I don't agree with you. After all fat friend opinions just don't matter as much.

I am the fat student so I must be the smartest. I must study the most. I must get the best grades and write the best papers. I must get involved in everything.

I am the fat employee so I make sure I am worth my weight in gold to my boss. I go the extra mile. I am the one who stays late. I am the one that takes on the more challenging projects. I am the one doing extra work and helping my co-workers.

I have found I can not say no to people. I know now that this is because I am trying to find my self worth externally because I don't like who I am. I figure other people won't like me ether, unless I am beneficial to them. I have to constantly fight the stereo type that I am a lazy idiot who sits home on weekends at eats a pack of cookies in a sitting. I fight the stereo type that I am dirty, unkempt and uneducated. My weight is always on my mind. I think of it more than I think about my husband, my job, or my passions in life. I am constantly making up for the fat.


Spaghetti Squash, my delicious friend.

Have you tried the wondrous spaghetti squash? I tried it for the first time a couple years ago. I loved it but wasn't sure how to cook it. Earlier this year when my dieting efforts were in full force I learned how to cook it. (Directions on how I do it below) First of all it is delicious and very versatile. I have made it as spaghetti with turkey meat balls and tomato sauce. I sometimes make it with garlic, cheese, and Parmesan cheese. I made it Mexican style with spicy turkey, sour cream, onions and tomatoes. Its a great way to add veggies to your diet. It can add fiber to your diet. My personal favorite thing: it has 75 calories a cup! Regular pasta has more than double that. Its my new favorite thing. We have been eating it once a week or so. I thought I would share the love for this amazing vegetable.

Bake It -- Pierce the whole shell several times with a large fork or skewer and place in baking dish. Cook squash in preheated 375°F oven approximately 1 hour or until flesh is tender. Scoop out and serve as desired.


We have made a decision.

We have an unused 3rd bedroom in our home. I thought it might be a nursery sometime in the near future when we bought the house in 2003, so we never did anything with it. However it seems children are not going to be around any time soon. My husband actually has asked me multiple times if we could turn it into a home gym. I also said it was too expensive and that the room could be used for so many other things. Besides, we have gym memberships. However I have thought about it more as of late and have completely changed my mind. The room is just collecting dust. We will never have more than 1 guest over for the night. If we did get pregnant we could put a crib in the guest bedroom. I HATE going to the gym and would love to roll out of bed, put my shoes on and walk across the hall to work out before heading off to my job. I would love that I can fit working out into ANY part of the day I felt like it. If I was ready to get on the treadmill at 3am, I could. (Yeah, I know that will NEVER happen, but hey, I could do it if I wanted to!) We already have a boat load of weights and weight lifting equipment, we have an exercise ball, a treadmill, various work out DVDs, yoga mats, and more. They are all sitting around out house practically begging to be used. I can hear them calling out to me as I pass them everyday. "Please, please use me to get your heart healthy and tone your body, I feel so useless sitting here all day." I am finally going to put the little guys out of their misery.

I am so excited to plan the gym. Tomorrow we are going to pick out paint. Right now it is a very upsetting shade of pepto-bismol pink. The owners before us had two little girls who lived in there. It was like a pink monster threw up in there. I feel silly for not correcting this issue sooner! I am thinking I want to paint it a muted yellow with bright white trim. Next we will pull out the very worn carpet to put down wood. I also want to mount a TV and DVD player on the wall. The biggest and most expensive goal is to buy an elliptical machine. I use them at the gym all the time and it is one of the only exercises I truly enjoy. To get a really high quality machine it is going to be 3-4k. This is a large sum for us to spend and there are many other things we need, newer cars, bedroom furniture, (our current furniture was donated to us when we married which was sweet and all but its very old and falling apart.), and I could go on for days. But I realize nothing I think I need is more important than my health. I am worth it. I can't even enjoy the other parts of life fully if I don't start to feel better in my own skin. So, it seemed like a huge sacrifice at first but now it seems I would be sacrificing more by not getting one. I can't wait to get it all up and running. I will use it daily. Being active is something I have always struggled with. My job is very sedentary these days and I will not have it any longer. I will be active, I will be strong.


The Miracle of Water...

I have a had a rough couple of weeks hence the lack of blogging. Things have been busy and I haven't been as focusing as I could be. John from Fat to Fit totally called me out on the fact that being busy is not an excuse. We are all busy. It is a matter of priorities. So, I guess its not that I have been to busy it is that I have not made the time to focus on my weight loss lately. I was frusterated and let myself fall into some bad habits. One thing I did notice is that I have not been as good with drinking my water lately. I have also been insanely hungry and my appetite was completely out of control. I didn't see the link between the two until today. I realized I needed to step up my water intake. I have been letting myself get dehydrated. So I bought a case of water to keep at my desk at work. I drank all day long and guess what...I wasn't as hungry. I truly didn't know that the water would help me control my cravings. So I am going to ramp up my water intake again. I knew it was important for weight loss but I didn't know how much it would help me control what I eat. I think I will go have a glass right now...yep, I am craving chocolate.


A blast from the past or a look into the future?

I was looking through some photos with my Mom last week and I came across this one from 1997. It was taken almost exactly ten years ago. (Please disregard the bad outfit) This picture documents the thinnest I have ever been as an adult. It made me happy and sad all at the same time.

I was happy because I was reminded that I was thinner and healthier once so I know it can be done. I actually had a figure!

I was sad because I have let myself get so far away from this. I was about 180 pounds in this picture. The saddest thing of all is that I still thought I was huge.Most of all those this photo was inspirational.

I have blown it up and put it on my fridge. I hope it will remind me to eat healthy. It is my new thinspiration, so I wanted to share it with you all. It may be a blast from the past but I truly feel it is a glimpse into the future as well.


Nothing New...

I am just treading water over here but I am not getting anywhere. My motivation is lacking. I have gained and lost 10 pounds over and over the last couple months. I know I need to kick it into high gear but I get so busy. Ack. Sorry peeps.


Body by Wii

My little sister had one simple wish for her 12th birthday. She wanted a Wii and she wanted it badly. Her birthday was August 2nd but there were no Wii's in sight. All the stores were sold out. The poor darling had to wait for it to come back into stock. I personally didn't see the drawl. I am not a video game fan at all. I loved Super Mario brothers and Tetris when I was a kid and that is about it. We went to pick up her shiny new Wii on Sunday morning and by Sunday evening my hubby had it set up and ready. She was chomping at the bit to start playing and had recruiting hubby and I play the first game with her. First I was instructed to make my Wii character. You can actually create what they call a Wii Mii (or a Wee Me) which is a little character you play the games with that you fashion to look like you. I loved that even when I made my character fat she still was adorable. We started with the 3 player friendly bowling. I immediately fell in love. It was more fun that regular bowling! When I curved the ball curved. When I moved the wii stick slowly, the ball went slowly. The wii stick and I were one. We played several times and I broke 200! (In real bowling I am excited to break 100!) Then we were onto baseball, tennis, gold, boxing. We were having a ball! After dueling it out in my third round of boxing I realized I was actually getting exercise. I'll admit you get out of it what you put it but when I was bowling I ran up to the line and swung my arm just as if I was doing the real thing. When I played tennis I was hopping back and forth and swinging at the ball. During the boxing match I actually broke a sweat. You are moving constantly the entire time punching into the air with both arms wildly. It was one of the most enjoyable times I have ever had "exercising". I was also definitely glad to see my sister bouncing around instead of with a controller in her hands on the couch with her thumbs getting all the action. I definitely recommend people trying one out if the have the change. It is super fun if nothing else. I am going to incorporate the Wii into my routine as much as possible. Maybe one day I can say I got my body by Wii.


Shocking results!

I am healthy...for now. My workplace held a health fair last week. They contracted a lab to come out and check our blood pressure, cholesterol, glucose, and BMI. I was honestly pretty scared to get my test results back. I thought for sure the extra weight I carry had to cause unhealthy readings in all categories. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that all were in the healthy range except my BMI. I was shocked. I was thinking to myself, "but I am fat, this can't be right?!?!?" After taking it all in I realized I am in a great position. My body is still resisting the hostile take over of fat and all that it entails. I am in a place where I can change with minimal damage. I know that I am a ticking time bomb as an obese person but so far I was warding off the bad health and illness. This is just a huge motivator for me to keep on the right path towards health. I have not lost the battle. I will fight on until the end.


Let me at the accessories!

My closet is packed with shoes. I have purses galore. I live for jewelry. Sun glasses? I have four pairs. Why? Well, when was the last time you tried on your purse and it was too tight. Have you ever gone to buy jewelry and discovered they don't make it in your size? Have your sunglasses ever made you look fat? Have you ever had to take off your shoes because you ate too much? I didn't think so. I am a woman in love with accessories. I can dress up my fat pants. I look past the fact that so many big girl clothes aren't cute. I guess I am trying to make up for it all with the added touches. The right earrings, the greatest bag, the hottest sunglasses...I can have those, even if I can never fit into designer clothes and the latest fashions never come in XXL. So, until the label on my jeans says 14 or below, I guess I will keep amassing the accessories...let me at them!


Happy Birthday to Me!

Today I turned 27. No, its not a milestone birthday in the conventional sense, however I hope for it to be a milestone for me. I hope it is the last birthday I ever spend over 300 pounds. This time next year I hope to be well under 300 pounds and living a healthy life. Here's a toast to the journey!



I am sorry to have left a huge gap in my blogging recently. I have been extremely busy and am completely exhausted. I wanted to post and say I am still alive and well and will write more asap.


Can Credit Cards Make You Fat? (Or at least fatter?)

I read an interesting article the other day about the convenience of credit cards and its affect of the way people eat. (Link above) I was drawn in to the msn money article because of the title. Of course my first thought was "of course credit cards have nothing to do with weight!" However after reading the article I can see how it actually does have some affect on people's choices. Basically it says that now that all fast foods restaurants take credit cards its easier for people to eat fast food more often and more of it. When people needed to have cash on hand it wasn't as convenient. Also, if you did have cash you couldn't spend more than what you had. It seems people are spending more and eating more because of their plastic little friends. Its a valid point. I can honestly say before the fast food restaurants took cards I was never even tempted to go there because I never carry cash. They began to call my name more often on my way home from work when I could whip out my card and pay. Of course its still the consumers choice to use the card in this unhealthy way so its not the poor little cards fault, he is just an innocent bystander in all this.


Living outside the realm of reality.

I truly feel I must have reverse body dysmorphic disorder. Most of the time when I look in the mirror I feel pretty good about myself. I may not be thin but I never think I look huge ether. I can look in the mirror and feel good about leaving the house. In fact there are days I forget I am fat. I know its sounds ridiculous but if I have done my hair, have a great outfit on and feel pretty I forget completely that I am as big as a baby hippo. I'll be out with my girls friends feeling pretty and confident and then I barely fit into the booth at dinner, or barely fit into the chair in the movie theater and that's when it hits me. I am not normal. Those people weren't staring at my because I was pretty, it is because I am large. The other time it hits me like ton of bricks is when I see pictures. Pictures do not lie. It is quite painful to think you looked amazing all evening, then to see a picture and realize you are twice the size of any of your friends. You are stuffed into ugly plus size clothing. You are not cute. These days I try to keep from taking too many body shots. I will hide behind a friend, or my hubby, or a piece of furniture. Or of course I resort to the floating head picture. If people hundreds of years from now people had study my life from pictures along they may think I had no body at all.


Hairspray, is it so fat friendly?

My little sister's 12th birthday was this week so we took her out to dinner and a movie. The movie she picked was Hairspray much to my husband's dismay. First off, let me say it was a very entertaining movie that I actually enjoyed watching however there were a few things that made me cringe. It was a fun movie with some positive messages on racism, self acceptance, and that being different is okay, great even. The movie had many catchy songs that left me humming on into the night. I just hated to see another movie that depicted the Fat Lady as a cute, sweet, not to bright, food obsessed, person who doesn't leave the house much less exercise. This movie drives home many subliminal messages about fat people that are inaccurate in most instances. I realize this is done to be funny and honestly it is funny but I feel when people see these things in a movie they absorb them as reality. Look at all the girls that know that magazine models are airbrushed and "fixed" before the printing yet they still try to compare themselves to them and strive to be something attainable. Many scenes in the movie show that all Tracey and Edna Turnblat care about is food. Why do heavy set characters always have to be depicted in this light? Can't there be more to them that the weight? At first glance I felt the movie was this spreading a positive message to fat women since the main character defies the odds and gets what she wants even though she is discouraged due to her weight. While I do think that is a good message I think that other messages they sent were even more of a strong undertone. I would love to see a movie where the main character was heavy and the movie was not about weight loss, food, or low self esteem. There is so much more to be explored. But hey, as a huge musical fan, I still recommend the movie. If you have seen it, let me know what you think.


Weekends it is...

I'm not dead. :-) Sorry for my absence. My job decided to block a bunch of websites they thought were taking away from people's work and....you guessed it Blogger was one of those sites. Our home computer died from a virus a couple months ago RIP...so I guess I am down to only being able to blog on weekend's when I can use my friends computer. (Luckily I have awesome friends!) Hubby and I are looking into buying a laptop soon so this problem should be fixed as soon as possible. I am off to a party but I will post again tomorrow and sunday.


Obese and Gorgeous?

Can a woman be both obese and gorgeous? This thought was spurred by a conversation I had with some friends a couple days ago.

Can these two adjectives co-exist in one person or does the obese person with some gorgeous feature(s) have to lose weight before she is truly gorgeous? Have you ever found an obese person gorgeous? Your thoughts? (Oh and if you would mention whether you are obese or not.)


Feeling like a kid again...

For the couple months I have been eating off the kids menu when I go out to eat and I have found it to be very beneficial for the most part. From dine in restaurants to fast food getting the kids meal means smaller portions and smaller prices. I have found I can be satisfied by the the smaller sized portions. Typically the "kid size" portion is the correct portion size for anyone. The adult size portion is usually enough for 2-3 meals depending on what you order and what restaurant it is. I started doing this when I had to go to a business meeting and I just didn't want all that food. I saw that the menu said for kids of all ages so I gave it a whirl. I ordered the kids grilled chicken sandwich with baked beans. The portion was perfect and it was only 3.50 and included my drink! From that point on I payed close attention to all kids menus when eating out.

The Cons:
1) Some places do have age limits, however I have found A LOT of them do not, or will bend the rules.
2) Some restaurants only offer pretty unhealthy foods on the kids menu but many restaurants will substitute the fries for broccoli, coleslaw, or a garden salad. Also, many restaurants are trying harder to offer healthier kids fare.

So, this will not work every time you go out but I would say I do it at least half the time and I am a big fan. Just a tip. I am about to eat my teriyaki kids meal from Pei Wei: Grilled Chicken, Veggies, and Brown Rice in a yummy sauce. Half the price, half the calories, all of what I need for lunch.



Happy 3rd Anniversary to my wonderful husband! I love being married to you!


New Hair = Weight Loss?

I changed my hair for the first time in about 5 years. I had about 8 inches cut off so I must have lost a couple ounces right? The way I see it is getting my hair cut makes me feel good. When I feel good I usually eat better and treat myself better. Also cutting my hair has now made it faster and easier to style therefore I have more time to exercise. So maybe a new do can lead to weight loss. ;-)


My Jeans are tight...

I hate to admit it but its true, I don't understand why! I still don't have a scale that works properly anymore. But my jeans will tell no lies. I have been eating so healthy and walking as much as possible. I guess I really do need to track every bite on Fitday.com again. I wanted to just be normal and eat until I am satisfied but not full. I am ordering a scale from amazon.com today that is an analog. At least if an analog scale is wrong you can still see if you are going up or down. When the digital one I have is screwy the numbers are all over the place. 328 one day...338 the next ect. It was driving me nuts-o! I will be happy to have my correct weight again...no matter what it is. Maybe it will motivate me even more.



Sarah asked about my breakfast smoothies. I usually eat them everyday for breakfast. I have been using Cinch shakes. (http://shop.shaklee.com/product/products/20340) They are very fillings, have protein, fiber, and some carbs. They taste good alone but even better when I add fruit. I usually use the vanilla and add frozen berries and maybe half a banana. The mocha latte flavor is delicious alone. The chocolate is pretty good, I have added strawberries to it once and loved it. So, that's the story on the Breakfast smoothie.

Turkey Loaf

CCC asked me for my turkey load recipe a few weeks ago...I didn't really want to share it because I never measure anything and cook pretty much eyeballing all the ingredients and making up recipes. So...here is what I know but I don't really know how much of each thing. I sometimes have put other veggies in it as well. I use oats instead of bread crumbs to had fiber and make it healthier. It is really good and you don't have to eat much because it is filling. Sorry it is not more specific.

Turkey Loaf-
Ground Turkey
Onions, Green Peppers,mushrooms,carrots, celery and garlic chopped.
1-2 Eggs
Raw Uncooked Oatmeal
A little Worchester Sauce
Salt and Pepper
Bottle of BBQ sauce

Mix ingredients, form into a loaf, pour the BBQ sauce on top...I usually bake it an hour at 350.


Isn't it ironic, don't you think?

I work for a health and wellness company. Yes, its shocking, I am 180 pounds overweight and I am surrounded by health foods, vitamins, supplements, doctors, and nutritionists. What's also funny is my mother is a National Health and Wellness Educator and has spent much of her time studying and teaching nutrition. In fact, I have been involved in the Health field as long as I can remember. My first job while I was in college was at a health food store. I have always been interested in health and nutrition. I love healthy foods. (Downside:I love not so healthy ones also.) I love reading about new science findings in the industry. I love helping people attain better health but I have been unable thus far to achieve this for myself.

I work mostly over the phone with my accounts and I love my job! The stress and anxiety come into play when I have to set up face to face meetings with a couple of my biggest account a few times per year. Of course after getting to know me on over the phone and knowing that I work for a health company I know that have an image in there head as to what I look like and they are completely wrong. Some take the shock much more gracefully that others. No one has been able to hide the surprise completely. Luckily I can still get by with my sparkling personality. By the end of the meeting they are far less concerned with my weight and much more enthralled with me. (Most of the time.) I hate having to go through it time and time again though. I want to feel confident for once as I enter those meetings, knowing I AM the person they envision: A girl worth losing = a thin vision of health and wellness. No matter what industry I was working in I know this would be a challenge but I know I am judged a little more because of where I work. I guess I thought about it today because I have a new meeting next week. What fun.


Real Content Soon, I promise...

This week has been a little crazy with Wednesday off, 4th of July celebrations, watching our friends dog, and being very overwhelmed at work, I've been left with little time to write. Although I did want to post even if it was just a tid bit. Even with the Independence day party I ate healthy and well, but I did drink a little. Oh well.

Today's Menu:
Breakfast: Smoothie & Peach
Snack: Low Fat Organic Chocolate Milk
Lunch: Chicken Pita and Veggies
Snack: Cereal Bar & Strawberries
Dinner:BBQ Chicken
Brown Rice Pilaf
Snack: Popsicle

More tomorrow...


Posting what I eat, for accountability sake.

Breakfast: Protein Smoothie
Snack: Nectarine (The best one I ever had! Yum!)
Lunch: Tuna Wrap and Salad
Snack: Strawberries & Organic Baked Chili Lime Corn Chips
Dinner: Turkey Loaf, 1/2 sweet potato, asparagus
Snack: Strawberry Whole Fruit Popsicle


Menu for the Day

The grocery trip was a success. None of the junk food committed suicide by jumping into my basket as I rolled by. I stuck to my list completely and feel great about it. This is my menu for today.

Breakfast:Banana and Protein Smoothie
Snack: Baby Carrots and Dressing
Lunch: Turkey Wrap & Salad
Snack: Water Melon
Dinner: Chicken Stir Fry
Snack: Apple


My Grocery List

So....I am trying to get motivated AGAIN to get really serious...I hate that I have not lost but gained the last two months. I was on such a roll before. I truly feel as soon as I realized I was not going to fit into Stacy's bridesmaid dress everything went down hill from there. I kept trying to get back on the horse but my forward flowing momentum was gone. I forget the real reasons I was trying to get as healthy as possible. For myself...not for some dress. For me, my husband, and hopefully one day my future children. So...it may not be a Monday but I am trying to refocus my life today..even on a Wednesday. I want to feel like I did months ago when I was in control and my body was nourished and full of energy.

My Grocery List for this week:

Chicken Breasts


Whole Wheat Wraps

Italian Dressing

Ground Turkey


Chili Beans



Feta Cheese

String Cheese


Cottage Cheese














Ezekiel Bread

Omega-3 Eggs

Whole Fruit Popsicles (Dessert is my vice!)

Olive Oil

Sweet Potato

Organic Skim Milk

I don't want to eat anything else but these foods all week. I want to have planned meals and feel great. If anyone of you have some tried and true healthy meal ideas for lunch (I have to bring it to the office) or dinner please share. I am having smoothies for breakfast. Off to the market I go...


I've been tagged?

I didn't even know what being tagged was, but I guess I have been tagged my the lovely Mrs. Sarah. So, here we go...

If I've tagged you (see bottom of this post) please remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so:
Mummy Musings
Musings from the Boob Juice Factory
See Jayne Blog
Weighing in with my .02
A Girl Worth Losing

What were you doing 10 years ago? I was a junior in high school. I was loving life as I had recently lost 80 pounds and was the thinnest I had ever been in my adult life. (When I say adult life I mean anytime after I was my full height of 5'7'' which was 14. And yes my whole life has been a weight loss roller coaster) I was very involved in music (singing and playing the piano) and acting. I thought I would be a Broadway super star. I can't believe next year will be my 10 year high school reunion will be here so quickly!

What were you doing 1 year ago? My life a year ago was very similar to how it is now. Exactly a year ago I was in Tennessee with my best friends in the world getting ready for my friend's wedding. We stayed at a lake house all week and it was fantastic. Beautiful scenery, perfect blue water, and your best friends? How could it get any better?

Five Snacks You Enjoy
1.) Crackers and Brie2.) Chips and Salsa
3.) Ice cream
4.) Fruit Salad (Homemade, yum!)
5.) Veggies and Spinach Dip

Five Songs That You Know All The Lyrics To (I am unconventional when it comes to music.)1.) Cannonball - Damien Rice
2.) I want you to be my love - Over the Rhine

3.) Quiet - Rachael Yamagata
4.) Any Rosie Thomas songs...I love her!
5.) Fidelity - Regina Spector

Five Things You Would Do If You Were a Millionaire (I'm assuming by millionaire we mean multi-millions)
1.) Have a mountain home (CO), a beach house (FL), and a new york city loft.
2.) Pursue my passions...music and investing and traveling.
3.) Adopt children.
4.) Give to our favorite charity's
5.) Help our parents have the best retirement ever.

Five Bad Habits
1.) Not doing laundry or dishes until I have no clean cups or underwear.
2.) Not having my cell phone with me...ever.
3.) Calling people back, I stink at it much to my friends dismay...I am getting better.
4.) Some say I am a little overly frugal...he he

5.) Forgetting to take my vitamins.

Five Things You Like To Do
1.) Sing....I love it, I am pretty good, and I just don't get enough time for it.
2.) Photography.
3.) Be outside, especially at the beach, or playing in the snow. Extreme opposites I know. 4.) Watch good movies.
5.) Spend time with family and friends.

Five Things You Would Never Wear Again
1.) a perm.
2.) anything with shoulder pads.
3.) big hair

4.) stilettos
5.) black nail polish...yeah, I tried to be goth.

Five Favorite Toys
1.) I-POD
2.) My Bike

3.) Silly Putty (Why is it so fun!)
4.) Photo shop
5.) My camera

I am tagging:I am not sure I should tag anyone, but I would love to hear any one's answers.


Pyschology of Thin

You know, I truly feel a huge road block for me is my brain. As much as I focus on weight loss and healthy living I still can not truly believe these things will ever happen to me. When you have been over weight for most of your life you begin to wonder if it is even possible for me to be normal. It certainly doesn't help my reasoning when I see some of my friends who are thin eat like horses and never gain any weight. If they no matter what they do they stay thin, then maybe no matter what I do I will always be the fat girl. After all, I have had so many failed attempts in the past and I am struggling like mad right now. It's hard to stay positive and truly believe you can do when you have been fighting like hell for over a decade. A part of my brain says" You know you are fat, you will always be fat, so go ahead and just enjoy life pudgy!" It takes a lot of work for me to tune her out and even then she never goes away. She is always in the back of my mind pulling me under, trying to drown me. I wonder if she is right and if she will ever go away.


Monday Weigh In: I honestly don't know

My scale is broken again. It gives me random weights when I step on it ranging from 320 -340...so since I know this isn't right it is very frustrating...this is the second time this has happened to me, it makes me wonderful if I am just to fat for a scale OR if they fact that I have no room for a scale and it is moved a lot has anything to do with it. I don't think I have lost or gained any weight though. Things have been insanely busy and I doubt it will get any better because I am leaving for the Key's on Thursday and will not be back until Tuesday. I am excited to get away though. I will definitely post a picture when I get back. It will be hard to avoid booze and delicious food while on vacation but I am buying a lot of fruits and veggies to hopefully fill me up and minimize damage. Also we will be walking, swimming, and riding bikes, so I will be very active. Anyway, have a nice week...see you when I return!


Dieting on the Cheap

I have written in the past on how "dieting" and being fat can be expensive but I was thinking about the flip side today and realizing that diets do not have to be expensive at all. You hear people all the time saying how expensive losing weight is and how Americans have spent millions and millions on diets. It doesn't have to be this way. Being Fat is actually expensive for a variety of reason I outlined in another post but losing weight can be cheap. I find I spend less money when I am trying to loss weight.

1) I buy less food at the grocery store. I try and buy just what I need for our 3 meals and 2 snacks a day. I am not lured but expensive pre packaged food that has no nutritional value. I do not buy snack type food that I much on mindlessly. My actual grocery bill has gone down about 15-50 bucks a week since we have cleaned up our eating habits. That is a big deal.

2) We eat less food. Food is actually lasting as long as it is supposed to. Instead of the cereal lasting for only 4 servings, it lasts all 12 like it is supposed to.

3) We go out less and when we do go out we can often share a meal or make the one large portioned meal into two regular portioned meals. We do not order appetizers, dessert or alcohol.

4) We end up wanting to be more active and do many free things for entertainment such as: swimming, hiking, nature walks, jogging, roller blading, taking Sadie on walks, ect.

5) When we do spend money on an outing it is not linked to food so we save. Example: Going to the movies does not mean buying over priced snacks, or going bowling does not mean ordering pizza and beer.

6) We try and just drink water which is cheap and sometimes free.

So, for us....it is actually cheaper for us to be living right. I guess will all that fiber from the fruits and veggies we do spend a bit more on toilet paper. :-)


Monday Weigh In: BLAH!

I went to a pot luck and two birthday parties last week. Enough said.

My schedule the next couple months is out of control busy. I am so stressed. There is never enough time. My husband upset me because he says I am just not managing my time properly but honestly I don't know how I can any better. If I get up any earlier I will be getting less than 7 hours of sleep (which I don't do well on.) If I go to bed any earlier I will have to skip many important tasks and my house will be pretty darn messy. There has actually been a lot of stress in my personal life too and I feel I am letting a lot of my friends down which kills me. So, that is where I am right now.


Summer in the City

I have heard a lot of people talk about having to resist the urge to curl up with a blanket, hot cocoa and a good book all winter long instead of exercising. I am sure the urge to "hibernate" is strong during that time. Here in good old Florida there really is no real winter. In fact winter is when we have the best weather of the year. People often think of Florida as having wonderful weather all year. But in the heat of summer I have to resist the urge to strip down naked, lay down in the lounge chair, turn the flan on high and drink pink lemonade all day. Today was the first day I felt this way since last September. It's about 94 degrees today but the heat index says it feels like 98 degrees and it does! Anyone who has been to Florida knows that it is not just the heat but the humidity. It's so sticky that as soon as I leave for work I wonder why I even showered. I feel like I need another shower almost immediately. This definitely discourages exercise. I have been wondering if I should possibly take up swimming again as one form of exercise so I could actually look forward to it. Membership to the country club pool is a bit pricey though. I took water aerobics last year during the summer and loved it. My mom paid for the classes as my birthday gift. I may look into that again. I am also thinking about getting up earlier so maybe I can beat the heat before the sun comes up. I'll have to let you know how it works out. Now if I can just kick this craving for nice cool refreshing ice cream every night the summer may go by with out a hitch.


Monday Weigh In: 338

I have been exercising like a champ, but my eating has been tough to control. I have been so hungry. I have been eating so healthy though. I think I need to go back to drinking my cinch shakes. I was never hungry then, but I got bored.


What about in your neck of the woods?

My mom's friend made an interesting comment the other day. She just moved from Miami to the Mid-West a couple months ago. She called my mom and said "You know, your daughter would fit right in up here." Yes, the comment was a little offensive but it got me thinking. She said in the places she has been up there a many of the women have been over weight. Not just the older women, but all of them, even a lot of the teens. She did say that they seemed to be less concerned about there appearance in general. (Keep in mind, she was not saying they were ugly or unkempt just that it was so different from South Florida where most of the women dress to the nine for the grocery store. Everything is about designer labels. Everywhere you look you see over made, fake tanned, fake boobed thin girls.) I began to wonder if I truly would have fit in better over there. I have been in south Florida my whole life and the pressure to look good to have any value has been pushed down my throat always. I tended to think that the whole country was the same. I felt we all read the same magazines and watch the same media so we must all be affected. Do you think being heavy is more acceptable in some parts of the US? I would love to hear views from people all over the country.


Corporate Hell

Layoff's at work again. This is the 4th time since I have been here. It depresses me. I usually would cope with food. Hubby and I plan to go to the gym after work. I hope my friends who were let go can find work they love fast. So sad.


Tuesday Weigh In: 338

Yeah, so I stayed the same, so shoot me! :)

I had a great start to the week, I was prepared, I was feeling great, exercising again and eating right, but the three day weekend kicked me right in the balls. I had a little to much fun, did a little too much relaxing and ate a little to much food. Oh well. It was a great weekend.


Monday Weigh In: 338...The cold, hard, ugly truth.

Well, after weeks of problems, and me refusing to weigh in because I was so afraid of the damage done, I finally did it and I cried. I think I have gained 10 pound since the last time I braved stepping on the scale. I am hoping some of it is because I wasn't eating as much fiber or drinking as much water. I am hoping these 12 pounds can come off quickly so I can get going again on new weight loss. I hate losing the same pounds twice! So I can sit here and be mad at myself, get depressed and gain more weight, or I can take the set back and push on toward the prize. I am pushing on baby! Woo hoo!


The Alcohol Affect

Alcohol certainly does a little number on my life when consuming more than one serving. And when I say a little number don't mean the Cha-Cha, the Salsa, or Electric Slide. (Although that would be fun huh?) I am seeing more and more how Alcohol is bad for the good life style changes I am trying to implement. I think half the reason I have been doing so badly as of late, especially last week is I have been drinking too much Alcohol. I don't mean I have a drinking problem or that I am a alcoholic. I just feel my good intentions are hindered dramatically by drinking. Let's take a look at this vicious cycle.

1) I am with friends and family celebrating and am not feeling so comfy in my own skin, I have a drink to loosen up.
2) I am starting to feel good, I have another drink.
3) I am wittier, cuter, and more relaxed. I have another drink.
4) All this drinking has given me the munchies, I snack and drink and snack and drink.
5) Even though I told myself I would only eat a little and they would be healthy snacks, I threw caution to the wind and ate what I wanted.
6) I wake up the next morning, sleep deprived, dehydrated, feeling fat and bloated and bad about myself.
7) I can't possibly exercise since I am feeling so crappy so I lay around all day.
8) I am with friends and family that night and am so drained from the drinking, so I put back a few to feel more perky and fun....and so the cycle continued.

I am not saying it is always like this and truly I usually only drink 1-2 times per month unless we are doing some big time celebrating like at Stacy's wedding which happened to be a week long event including pre wedding party's, BBQ's, Beach Days, rehearsal dinner, and the whole nine. I am just thinking I really need to limit the alcohol I consume especially in these beginning stages of weight loss and life style changes. I get thrown off track to easily by other things I do not need to push myself even further on to the wrong path by drinking. Not to mention all the extra calories and sugar. I am going to give it up for the next few months, no matter what the occasion is, I will have a fun DRY celebration.

The Beautiful Bride and I on May 12th 2007


Wedding Day

Well one of my greatest friends of all time got married on Saturday. The week was hectic, crazy, and out of control but the wedding was in a word perfect! Stacy looked gorgeous, like a bridal model in a magazine and the wedding came together as a beautiful tribute to the love they have for each other. I was so blessed to be the Matron of Honor and was happy to stand beside her as she married this glorious man. I may post a picture tomorrow.

What does this mean for weight loss? I think I have gained a lot of weight since I last posted my weight. I feel fatter. I haven't had much time to get to the gym and I have been entertianing many friends which means a lot of eating, not much sleeping and a lot of drinking! Almost every evening was spend with a 6 pack, at least. We had a great time but I am very disappointed in myself. Today was supposed to be the last I got back on track but because my house is a mess and I still have no gone to the grocery store I have not made any great effort. I did not over indulge today but I did not keep myself in check like I should have.

On a good note, my husband came to me yesterday and says he really wants to shed some pounds as well, and wants to create a plan for the two of us to work together over the next few months. I think it will be fun to plan healthy meals together and have a gym buddie again. Hopefully we will work on that plan this week. Um, well yeah, thats what life looks like right now.


Monday Weigh In: Still don't know, but it might be scary!

I had at a seminar for my job yesterday and didn't have time to write. I still haven't weighed myself. I don't want to get even more stressed out than I already am. Stacy's wedding is in 10 days and there is so much to do! I am just trying to get through the next two weeks and then I plan on getting completely back on track.


Monday Weigh In: I have no freaking clue!

Its not Monday and I did not weigh myself this week. Things in my life have been crazy, I haven't been eating right, I haven't been exercising, and I have been completely focused on everything but myself and my weight loss. Its not pretty but thats the truth.


Monday Weigh In: 326

Yes, I am still as fat as ever in case you were wondering. This is the longest funk ever. At least I worked out today. Peace.


Product Review Post: Fiber One Bars

So I was walking around the grocery store trying to find some new snacks so my routine doesn't get boring and I saw the new Fiber One Bars. They are good sized bars and had 150 calories each, but what really caught my eye is they have 9 grams of fiber per bar! I'm always trying to find ways to sneak extra fiber into my diet. I was thinking they may sound great but how will they taste? Turns out they were awesome. I tried the Chocolate and the Peanut Butter varieties and loved them both equally. They also were very filling. I had mine as a snack with an apple and it kept me going for hours. They are definitely worth trying.


Monday Weigh In: 325

325...Still...Ugh. Don't feel as motivated as I should. What is wrong with me??


Monday Weigh In: 325

Long and lonely is the road back to the straight and narrow.

I am feeling strong and have lost a pound. It's pretty much amazing that I lost anything because I had a weekend get away with my favorite people on earth, we had a lot of fun, and a lot of booze and snack foods. I didn't completely over indulge though and we were very active during the weekend. We took a long walk, exercised in the weight room one morning and had a yoga class taught by my friend who is a new Yogini in NYC. She was awesome and I think I could really benefit from taking up yoga. Not only did I really feel it working my body but it also relaxed me a lot. I also loved that any movement could be modified to what ever level is comfortable for you. I look forward to incorporating it into my fitness routine. My gym offers it a couple times a week. So here I am: A girl worth losing AND a Yoga Fan.


The cost of being fat.

Being fat is expensive. I had buy a new dress for the bridal shower I am throwing next weekend. It always upsets me how expensive plus size clothes are and what a limited selection we have. If I have to pay almost double the price can you give me a little more variety. My favorite place to shop is Macy's Plus size department because they have a lot of the same things that they have in the regular women's department only bigger, but the prices are not good. However because I only shop the sales I always get a good deal. The problem is when you need something right away you have to pay full price to find anything good and in season. I looked at Macy's and there was nothing good on sale or not. I was feelings a bit panicky...most of current dresses are too dressy for the occasion, I wanted to wear a spring-ish casual dress. We don't have a Lane Bryant anywhere near my house and I hate trucking all the way out there. So, I decided to try another store I had heard about called Avenue. Some of the clothes were good and some very matronly and heinous. I think most people could get staples there like jeans, shirts, bras, ect but I wouldn't create a wardrobe from that store. All of there dress were 59-89 dollars. This is not want I wanted to spend for my casual dress, but I bought one anyway. It's blue and it fit me well. This got me thinking about how many other things I pay more for because I am fat. If I wasn't covered by group health insurance I would have huge individual premiums because of my weight. Whenever I travel on an airplane I now feel the need to buy two tickets instead of one because I want to be sure I fit in the seat and do not creep into anyone else's space. Think about all the money I have spent on extra calories at the grocery store I didn't need. I have spent countless dollars on different diets and weight loss products. I have bought exercise gear and machine's I barely touched. Some reports have even shown that fat people make less money than their slimmer counter parts. Did I get hired at a smaller starting pay because of my weight? I may be cheating myself out of thousand's of dollars per year by keeping my fluffy exterior. For the health benefits of losing weight, it will also pad your wallet.


Monday Weight In: 326

If I hadn't promised myself that I would blog once a week no matter what happens I probably wouldn't be blogging at all. It hard enough to fall on your face by yourself but completely different to fall in front of a crowd. (Not that my 3 blog readers is a real crowd.) However, it feels like public humiliation. What I had to realize is I didn't fall, I just tripped, and now I can move happily on. It has been hard to stay focused and have to stay positive that's for sure, but after some wonderfully supportive readers (thanks sarah!) and some great talks with my husband, I feel a renewed strength. I know I got too caught up in a short term goal, when the real prize is to get as healthy as I can, not fit into a dress for one day. The dress was important to me because Stacy is important and I wanted to be there for her looking great at her wedding, and I still will be, I am just not sure what I'll be wearing.


Monday Weigh In:326 & Dress Woes

I have been in a downward spiral for the past week and a half...sickness...a death in the family and then the dreaded bridesmaid dress came in. As you can guess, it didn't fit, it didn't even come close to fitting. This through me into a deep depression. I know I should have thought about how far I have come the last few months but instead I felt like a loser and bought pad thai, sushi, and cherry vanilla breyers ice cream to soothe myself. The top of the dress and waist were a little too big, but the hips and butt barely fit over and made me look like a pig in a blanket. It was pathetic. I guess I thought I might be able to fit because some of my clothes are 24's now. I have at least 3 size 24 dresses that fit me well but I guess that is because they are flowy and not so fitted. I took the dress into my trusty seamstress hoping she could help me with this mess of a situation and her reaction of "Wow, I don't think there is much I can do" didn't help the horrible feelings of dread ether. The biggest problem (besides my fat ass) is that the dress is a very specific shade of green and the fabric can not really be matched. I am not sure what to do. Should I step down as maid of honor? Should I offer to have a different dress made for me in her other color (silver)? I feel like a loser friend. A good friend would have gotten skinny enough. And, yes, I am an emotional eater. *sigh*


A late Weigh In: 324.5

I feel out of control. Traveling was horrible for my new lifestyle. Why is it that when some one dies everyone wants to feed you? I am definitely an emotional eater and having little old ladies bringing over fried chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans, cakes, pies, the whole nine, didn't help me one bit. Between the emotions, stress, and fattening southern cooking, I feel like I failed. I know I just have too pick myself up, dust myself off and start again but I am pretty disappointed in myself. I could have made wise choices but I threw caution to the wind and pigged out. It was my first really completely out of control moment since January 1st. Okay, I am shaking it off now. Today is a new day!

I did end up losing 1.5 pounds since my last weigh in 1 1/2 weeks ago, but considering I didn't eat for two days with the stomach flu I know I could have lost 4 or more pounds if I hadn't had 4 days of crazy eating and no exercise. I am however grateful my weight didn't go up. That would have been horrible! I expect this will be a very slow week as I try and get my body back into balance and routine.