Making up for the fat

I find myself constantly making up for being fat. In my mind I am the fat one so I have to be useful in come other way.

I am the fat girl so I have to look perfect all the time. I must always wear make up. I must always have my nails done. I must always have nice clothes and good hair. I must always smell great.

I am the fat friend so I have to be the sweetest one. The most helpful one. The friend you can lean on. I have to win you over with my wit and charm because I turn you off with my blubber at first glance. I must bend over backwards and never cause any tension. I am not allowed to speak my feelings if I don't agree with you. After all fat friend opinions just don't matter as much.

I am the fat student so I must be the smartest. I must study the most. I must get the best grades and write the best papers. I must get involved in everything.

I am the fat employee so I make sure I am worth my weight in gold to my boss. I go the extra mile. I am the one who stays late. I am the one that takes on the more challenging projects. I am the one doing extra work and helping my co-workers.

I have found I can not say no to people. I know now that this is because I am trying to find my self worth externally because I don't like who I am. I figure other people won't like me ether, unless I am beneficial to them. I have to constantly fight the stereo type that I am a lazy idiot who sits home on weekends at eats a pack of cookies in a sitting. I fight the stereo type that I am dirty, unkempt and uneducated. My weight is always on my mind. I think of it more than I think about my husband, my job, or my passions in life. I am constantly making up for the fat.


  1. Wow! I can SO relate to this post! I constantly find myself trying to make up for the fat, too! I try to look prettier, act nicer, work harder, etc... just so people don't judge me to be a lazy slob. I hate this mindset... and hope to overcome it as I lose the weight!

  2. I cried after reading your post. I feel this way all the time. So many people assume I am stupid, and are surprised to know that I work in the school system and I have my Bachelor's. I, too, have a hard time saying "no" or disagreeing with a friend/co-worker. I hate being that way. I'd love to not give fuck!

    Nicole G.

  3. I couldn't have said it any better myself....

    Here's to you!

  4. Beautiful, heart-wrenching post. I plan to follow along on your journey.

  5. I can't say I feel exactly the way you feel, but some of thise feelings are definitely echoed in my journals and own writings. This is very raw - thank you for sharing it!

  6. Wow. I certainly know how that feels. I'm always trying to please everyone and usually end up making myself miserable. I would never treat a friend the way I treat myself. I'm trying to learn how to say no and not try to please everyone all of the time.

    Be good to yourself. Maybe we can overcome the weight issues if we started treating ourselves with respect.

  7. I almost teared up too. I can REALLY relate to this. I strive to be smarter, funnier, more valuable to other people, more socially conscious, etc. And all those things are great, except when they get in the way of being myself. And whenever I catch myself putting on a persona or a facade, I can always trace it back to the fat.

    You are an amazing woman, and you need to know that about yourself. Look at how much you mean to your family, husband, daughter, readership, and none of that is in spite of you being fat, it's because you're beautiful inside and out :)

  8. Gosh posts like these always make me want to cry for you. I am so lucky in that I've never felt that way and it really breaks my heart to see so many people saying "I feel the same way!". God, nobody should have to feel that way about themselves, ever.

    Here's a big virtual hug for all of you. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that mental anguish.

  9. wow I stumbled upon your blog... excellent post.. it does not matter what age you.. that was so easy to relate too... will be linking your blog to mine so i can read it often excellent post!