Rollercoasters, Chairs, and Flying

Every morbidly obese person's fear: chairs with arms, Flying on an airplane and not being able to fit, Going to a amusement park and not being able to ride any of the rides. These three things had never happened to me until 2004 and they changed my life. I know it sounds crazy but it is almost like I didn't know I was gaining so much weight. When I met my husband I was in my "dieting" mode. (Before I decided to make this a complete life style change I had only two modes in life, dieting (very restrictive) or not dieting (very permissive).) I was thinnest I had been in years at 235, I wore a 18/20. (The thinnest I have ever been in my adult life is in Junior Year of high school when I weighted 170, I wore a 12/14 clothes.) My weight did not control me as much then and even though I hated being over weight it didn't seem to slow me down as much. I had always been able to fit in any chair, in any ride, and was tight in air planes, but hey who isn't a little smashed, they are small even for a smaller person. (So I have heard.) Even though I knew I had put on the pounds over the years from when I met my husband until 2004 I had grossly under estimated how many pounds that was.

*Rollercoaster's: I remember going to my friend's Bachelorette party in Orlando. I was so excited to go to Island of Adventure, I had never been there before. The first ride we picked was the Hulk rollercoaster. I sat down in the seat and the ride operator went to push my bar down and it didn't fit. I could not believe it. He pushed and pushed again and then asked me to step off the ride. I was mortified. My friends looked at me with sad eyes as they were whisked away on the ride and I should there looking pathetic.
*Chairs: One night my husband and I were asked to go out to dinner at a Mexican restaurant. We got there and our friends has saved us a table. I pulled out the chair and went to sit down. Much to my surprise I couldn't fit between the arms. I popped up quickly and said I needed to use the restroom. I looked frantically for different chairs so I could switch it out. I didn't see anything, so I went to the bathroom and cried. Once I pulled myself together I decided I would just have to go out there and tell them I couldn't fit in the seats. Fortunately I have an amazingly intuitive husband and when I came back to the table I saw two different chairs with out arms sitting there. He knew what had happened and asked for different chairs while I was gone saying the other chairs were uncomfortable. He is great!
*Flying: I fly a lot. I love to travel and have many friends all over the united state's. I also fly different places for my job. I was on a trip to a trade show and the second leg of the trip was on a smaller plane. I got to my seat assignment and saw a nice looking business man in the seat next to mine. I sat down and couldn't fit. The man stared at me with disgust as I squeezed it with much discomfort. The sides of the chair were pressing into my thigh's and almost cutting off circulation. Even with the arm's down I did spill a little into the seats next to me. The man pressed the button over head to call the flight attendant. When she came over he said "Can I please change seats" and looked at me with glaring eyes. She moved him and I felt like dirt.

I said these events changed my life, and they did. They sent me into a down ward spiral. I no longer looked at myself as human, I saw myself as this large overgrown beast that wasn't fit for human contact. I was deathly afraid of going anywhere new because I thought there was a possibility I wouldn't fit in the seats. I now wouldn't travel unless I was with my friends, mom, or husband so we could keep the arm's up and I wouldn't crowd anyone. I have no been to an amusement park since and now pretend that I hate rollercoaster's. This of course is a complete and total lie. People have assumed I have become a fuddy duddy and non-adventurous. I have not been able to admit the truth to many: I can not do these things any more. I long for the day that these things will no longer be an issue. My life will be so free. I will be able to go anywhere without limitations. These may seem like little things, but I have lost a part of myself of the last few years. I am no longer spontaneous. So many of my daily decision's are plagued with fear. I don't want to be afraid anymore.